


Dear Diary (Daryl Dixon X Reader)

by MiyakoNanashi



Series: Dear Diary (Daryl Dixon X Reader) [1]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Cross-Posted on Wattpad, F/M, Gen, Inspired by The Walking Dead, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:26:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25823605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiyakoNanashi/pseuds/MiyakoNanashi
Summary: "You have no idea how much I miss you, Rick, it's so hard to survive on my own... Sometimes I forget what I fight for, finding myself saying that not everything is lost and I know that you think about it before falling asleep too... Actually we were fine: We became a team, me and Mr. Dixon, only he would probably mock me if he found out that I write down my thoughts. Now he's on his way to see if the area is safe before we go, I hope to see you all again soon, and if it doesn't come to that, the living dead will catch me and Daryl probably gave me the last honor..."CHECK OUT THE SEQUEL | SPIN-OFF: WITH OR WITHOUT~[STORY - 2018] - Wattpad - (possible grammatical errors)
Relationships: Aiden Monroe & You, Aiden Monroe/You, Daryl Dixon & You, Daryl Dixon/You
Series: Dear Diary (Daryl Dixon X Reader) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1873705
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> CHECK OUT THE SEQUEL | SPIN-OFF: WITH OR WITHOUT~

{»How many Walkers have you killed?«

Rick’s words echoed in your head as you ran through the grass at breakneck speed. Your neck burned with the effort, the blood pumped into the temples and the adrenaline showed no signs of decline.}

“Hurry the hell up, Y/N!”

“I can’t!”, you reply in a low voice, gasping. All you wanted was to stop and rest.

“Goddamn! Move on! I have no intention of dying ‘cause of yer lazy ass!”

You turned around. The herd was getting closer. The fear almost paralyzed you and your legs became heavy because of the tiredness. A hand grabs your arm and pulls you forward, forcing you to continue your run.

“Run! Or do ya’ want to end like those bastards?”

The faces of the people around you came to your mind. Those who have become your family lately. Carl, Glenn, Michonne, Rick…

Tears rose in your eyes and moistened them. It would be your fault if you wouldn’t be longer with them. You should have protected them.

{»How many people have you killed?«

»One.«}

“Want some more tea 'nd cookies, damn it, com’ on, Y/N!”, screamed the one who was with you.

When you heard your name, you suddenly came back to reality. A reality in which you don’t want to live anymore, so absurd that even your worst nightmares couldn’t be enough. You started running again without knowing where you would end.

{»Why?«

»Because that person wanted to kill me.«

After a silence that seemed endless, Rick Grimes nodded. »You belong to us now. You’re a part of this group, this family.«}

Now you just want that all to be over, but it does not happen. The clearing has turned into a forest and you both kept running. “Over there, look!”, you cried out.

A house was to be seen in front of you, a few meters away. It was small, probably not safe, but maybe enough to catch its breath. If you stay out here, you’ll die anyway, so it’s worth a try.

“Let’s hope there’s an exit on the back…” Daryl took a moment to look at you, with those eyes that constantly challenged you to hurry to the hiding place in front of you. In front of the entrance, he doesn’t even bother to see if the door is blocked or not: He opened it with a heavy kick on the lock and then threw himself in, waiting for you to cross the threshold and you fell exhausted to the ground. The man blocked the door with a dresser and then imitated you. He threw himself on the floor with his arms raised.

Meanwhile, the Walkers who pursued you gathered at the entrance. You heard them hiss, agitated with your scent and fear, pushing their living dead bodies toward the door, unable to feel pain or fatigue.

You looked at Daryl. “So what now?”

He got up and inspected the house. It’s like an apartment made entirely of wood, with a sort of living room in the room you were in and, you suppose, a bedroom in the other room.

“Gotta find a way out.”, he answered slowly with his crossbow in his hand and walked to the other room. “Everything’s safe.”, he warned you. Finally you stood up and your breath was back to normal. As you walked into the other room, you saw Daryl swinging the cupboard against the wall, trying to make as little noise as possible. You helped him, lifting it to the side and you discovered a grip behind it. You looked at each other and you, with a slightly raised corner of your mouth, said: “It seems like the first time the luck is on our side.”

“Let’s get away from the house, we’ll go left. Saw a road when we were in the woods. Ya’ ready?”

You nodded with your head like you were ready to die. Daryl slowly opens the door; When he saw that no one was waiting for you, he rushed out and gave you a sign with his hand. Before you left, you glanced at the other side of the little house, and you noticed that the herd of Walkers started breaking through the door; the gray and skeletal hands of those who once were humans sprout through the broken boards. You closed the door behind you and ran to Daryl, who has since slowed his escape.

“Where are we going?”, you asked. Daryl walked beside you, his crossbow over his shoulder and now in a slower pace again. It was quiet as always. Since you’ve known him, you have rarely heard him speak inappropriately. He seemed to have lost his voice lately. But you could see how all his senses were on alert.

“Only a few hours left 'til sun sets, we better hide 'til tomorrow. Dunno…”

You risked the question that none of you two had ever asked. “Do you think the rest of our group is-…”

“…-dead?”, Daryl added.

You nodded. You hadn’t mentioned the other members of the group since you had to left prison a few days ago.

“Possible, ’s far ’s we know, only we’re alive.”

“Or maybe not.”

Daryl stopped and looked at you coldly. “We can’t know, stop talkin’ 'bout it.”

“And what are we talking about then?”

“Shut up.”

{Daryl. Daryl Dixon. Did you have to deal with him? Of the whole group, he was the person with whom you had less and less contact during these weeks. There could be a attack in jail and you should run away with him then? Nonsense… You still can not believe it. Hershel. The Governor. You knew he would kill him while he was kneeling at his feet, but part of you hoped he would somehow save himself, that Rick would find a solution to it too. But he isn’t invincible. None of us is. And Hershel is dead. You can barely remember anything after seeing the Governor sink Michonne’s katana down his neck. You just remember how you screamed and how you looked for Maggie and Beth. You remember the older sister of the Greene’s collapsed on her knees on the floor while her father fell to the ground on the other side of the fence. The deafening noise of shots, the fence being pulled down, the Walkers. You had no weapon with you. You decided to wait in the shelter of a car for this damn hell to end. Rick, in the field, other people responded to the enemy fire and everywhere you heard screams full of fear. The Walkers, who had now entered the prison area, spread and began to deface the place, the yard, the places you all had been living in before. Your home… You would have died, but you made it through. By killing as much as possible. To quarter them with a machete and use it as a shield. Then suddenly they were too many. And then, then came Daryl. »Move ya’ fuckin’ ass, Y/N! Don’t have all day!«}

Daryl and you reached the crumbled remains of a city just before sunset. You entered the house where you wanted to stay and barricaded you there. It was the first of several terraced houses that formed this ghost town, on two floors, with a modest garden in complete abandonment. Inside, the disorder prevailed. You wondered what happened to the family who lived here. Could they escape? In any case, the house was now empty and safe, at least for one night. You reinforced the door by barricading it with one of the armchairs in the living room and pulling in the curtains. You found some candles on the fireplace; So you put these on the floor, but when you tried to turn them on, Daryl stopped you.

“Don’t, these curtains aren’t that thick, the light would attract them.”

You sighed and sat on the couch. Maybe it would be ideal to go to sleep immediately, but Daryl did not leave you alone. He plundered the bag he had with him and tossed you a portion of dried meat. “T'morrow we’ll search for something useful at this place. Go to sleep when ya’ done.”

The meat tasted enormous. It looked like cardboard. Like spicy tasting cardboard. The man handed you a bottle of water.

“Thank you, Daryl.”

He looked surprised. “For water?”

“Not just for the water - for everything.”

He remained silent for a moment. “Go to sleep. ’S was a damn long day.”

So you took off your boots and put a knife under the pillow. Instead, Daryl sat down in the other chair beside the extinguished fireplace.

“We’ll find 'em, if they’re still 'live we’ll find 'em.”

You didn’t answer and let the tears escape your eyes in silence…

{»Well, Rick, did ya’ miss the damn princess?«

»Daryl…«

»Holy shit, Rick, ya’ didn’t want her to join us 'cause ya’ worried she might pose a threat 'nd now she’s joining our group, what’s wrong with ya’!«

»She needs us. She is alone. She could die out there. Here she could help us to defend the prison.«

»She doesn’t even know which direction she’s holdin’ a damn gun, I’ll tell ya’ for sure she’ll kill us!«

»We’ll teach her how to do it, and you’ll teach her how to use guns too.«

»What? Ya’ kidding? I’m not a fuckin’ teacher!«

»I’ll teach her to defend herself.«

»Rick, that’s bullshit!«

»No, it’s decided now.«

»Fuck!«

»Daryl, something else…«

»What do ya’ want now?«

»You will take care of Y/N.«}


	2. Chapter 2

You opened your eyes and noticed that it was early in the morning. Outside, the light began to illuminate the houses and the deserted streets. Daryl, in the chair, still had his eyes closed and his hands crossed in his lap. You got up quietly and took a few steps to stretch your legs and get back to mobility. Upstairs, the bedrooms were completely messy. The bathroom, on the other hand, did not appear to have been considered; But still, you took everything you thought was useful: plasters, bandages, a bottle of disinfectant, some expired aspirin. As you packed, you almost mistakenly saw your reflection in the mirror above the sink. You were scared and absolutely not expecting to see another person in the room; The early morning light turned to cloudiness, allowing you to see mainly a form and features: Your face was terribly thin and sunken. The eyes betrayed everything you’ve spent this past year; Finally, your hair, which was once so shiny and soft, was reduced to a felted and dry mass. You thought about how such moments would most likely never return, so without realizing it, you took the machete and started cutting your hair down to your chest, cutting it to the shoulders. The scissors that someone left distracted on the sink helped you finish it. You were sure it looked like a disaster, but it does not matter. You don’t have to satisfy anyone in this fucked up world anymore. A short time later, you went downstairs again and found Daryl in the kitchen, which was about to collect as many resources as possible, especially food and water. When you entered the room, he stopped to look at you.

“What’s going on?”, you asked him.

He still remained silent, looked away and started plundering the shelves. “Ya’ look good, yer hair I mean.”

To hear this compliment surprised you for a second, but out of timidity you immediately changed the subject. “I found this in a room.”, you said, pulling a map of Georgia out of your pocket and laying it on the table. “We have to decide where to go once and for all.”

“Any idea?”

“To the north, to the Appalachians, maybe the Walkers aren’t so easily hustling into the higher forests and you’re an excellent hunter, while I could adapt well to live in the forest, it’s all about finding a good refuge and to strengthen us properly.”

The man stopped again for a while to look at you. “Or?”

“Or to the southeast.”, you showed on the map to the coast around Savannah. “Some time ago I heard that Michonne talked about it, she said it wouldn’t be a bad idea to go to the sea because one side was always covered by the ocean.”

You smiled thinking back to that day. “That’s what she said, and besides, it would be ideal to find an island to take refuge in.”

Even Daryl smiled, but ironically. “Bullshit, ‘nd then, if ya’ found the island, how will ya’ survive when the food supplies com’ to an end?”

You squinted, offended by his brash ways. “Maybe I’ll cut you to pieces and I’ll cook you.”

“If I don’t do it first.” For the first time you heard him joke and it surprised you.

“You’re right.”, you commented. “I wouldn’t stand to live alone with you on an island, I would end up going crazy.”

“Maybe ya’ would learn to love silence.”

You supported his defiant look and ignored his words and how he tried to read you. “You haven’t told me your opinion yet.”

He surveyed the map for a few seconds and then nodded. “Let’s go north.”

“And what do we do with the rest of our group?”, you asked.

Daryl remained silent. You noticed how he had to pull himself together in his own thoughts. He looked away and shook his head slightly. He too doesn’t know what to do. Then he talked. “They could be dead…”

You declined that statement. “And what if they are not, we can not just walk away like that, Daryl!”

He thought for a moment and then answered. “Let’s go through the prison for few days, lookin’ for footprints, if we don’t find anythin’, we’ll go north.”

You nodded, hoping that you made the best decision. Before you left the house permanently, you left a series of clues in every room that only Rick understood. Daryl said you were wasting time, but you were confident that these hints could be useful for you to find. In addition, you wrote for security but still a few notes and put them in every room. You wrote the same on all notes:

❝September:

Rick, Carl, Michonne, Carol, Glenn, Maggie, Beth, Sasha, Tyreese and to all of our family. We are searching you. If you read this message after September, it means that we didn’t find you and that we went north, hoping that the Appalachians are safer. We’re fine.

Y/N and Daryl❞

“No one will read this message.”, your travel companion discouraged you.

You, at the bottom of your heart, hoped he was wrong.

{»Tell me the truth: Did you ever kill a Walker?« You stayed quiet. You knew they would find out sooner or later. »I knew it.«

»You can not accuse me of lying.«, you replied in your defense. »And who’s that person? Ya’ don’t want to tell me that ya’ did it seriously, ya’ couldn’t even kill someone who’s already dead!«, Daryl burst out laughing. You only knew him for a few minutes at the time and you already felt that you hated him with all your strength. »I am not a liar.« The man came up to you, a bit too close, to your liking. He had a contentious and arrogant attitude. »Then tell me how it was 'nd who!«, he hissed to your ear. Raising this memory was like reopening a wound that needed time to heal. »That doesn’t concern you.« You surprised him. He did not expect you to answer. After a while, he found all his presumption and brought his face back to yours, examining you accusingly. »If ya’ somehow endanger my friends, my family, be aware that I ain’t hesitate to shoot an arrow between yer eyes.«}

A Walker jumped out suddenly, as if intentionally planning this ambush. You two ran again into a lonely house, a few hundred meters from the interstate. It looked like an old English stone house with a large green area surrounding the entire perimeter. You preferred to stop for the night, even in the afternoon, because you did not know if you could find another shelter before it gets dark. The area seemed to be quiet and you could focus on the safety of the house before night fell. You entered the main door from which a long corridor led to the rooms; the first room, on your left, comprises the kitchen and the living room, the other rooms, all three on the right, were the bedrooms. After checking the room on the left, you followed Daryl down the hall. When the man went through the second door, a Walker came out of the room. Surprisingly, this was behind Daryl and in such a narrow radius of action, he couldn’t fix the crossbow on his head. He barely managed to keep him at bay when you killed him without hesitation with the sharp blade of the machete. At this point, Daryl released his grip and collapsed his body on the ground.

“Everything okay?”, you asked him. “Did he bit you?”

“No.”, he replies. Then he turned to the lifeless body. “Fuckin’ asshole!”

You shook your head. “Let us take him out.”

In the garden were already two small crosses, which are planted in the ground. Since the beginning of the extinction of humanity, almost all gardens and every house have been turned into cemeteries: bodies lying on the floor, resting in living rooms or resting on the armchairs in the bedrooms have been buried. Those who died together held hands. Those who had the courage to leave this world alone held a pistol or a revolver. But on your journey you have also found much humanity where at least a dignified burial was given to those who couldn’t make it in this house. Something was hanging on one of the two crosses; As you approached, you saw a pair of shoes fastened with the laces on one arm of the cross. You couldn’t stop looking at what was left of a broken life. You thought that sooner or later death would have no effect on you, but you denied it every time. Daryl just passed you and looked at the graves, then put a hand on your shoulder. Something that still had the taste of hope inside.

You swallowed the saliva bitterly and looked away. “The windows and doors need to be strengthened before it gets dark.”, you said.

“We’re checkin’ the tool shed, maybe there’s somethin’ useful inside.”

You collected all the material that could be put in front of the windows, especially wooden planks for the outside and sheets and blankets that could be hung inside. Within an hour, you nailed the boards to four of the six windows of the house and left the other rooms without reinforcement. “There ain’t need to barricade the windows of the rooms where we’ll not be, it’ll be enough to close the doors.”, said Daryl. “Let’s focus more on the kitchen 'nd the living room.”

The night came quickly, but you were calm because the reinforcements were sturdy and you finally relaxed a bit. This time, Daryl let you light some candles, sat down on the floor, and chewed some dried fruit you found in a cupboard.

“I ain’t thanked ya’ yet.”, he said suddenly.

You smiled. “These experiences change us all, you saved me many times, or better, you saved us.”

He shook his head and said in a low voice, “Yer wrong, I couldn’ save the others.”

He was referring to the prison. “You’ve done everything possible, don’t hold yourself responsible for something you can not control, we’re divided now, but I’m sure we’ll find the group sooner or later.”

“Ya’ talk without knowin’ the truth.”

“What truth do you mean exactly?”

Daryl did not answer. You knelt in front of him and turned his attention back to you. “What don’t I know, Daryl?”, you whispered.

“The children ’s example?”

There were several small children in prison. Before you were attacked by the Governor, you had welcomed many people. And you were among these people. The man finally looked up. The shimmering eyes of coming tears reflected in the flames of the candles on the floor. “Judith, I couldn’ save her, I couldn’ save anyone.”

You wouldn’t dare ask anything else if the girl in question wasn’t Rick’s daughter. The symbol of hope, the reason that has made you all fight for a better world. “What happened?”, you asked in a whisper.

Daryl swallowed and wiped a tear from his face with the back of his hand. His voice trembled almost imperceptibly. “B'fore I found ya’ surrounded by this group of Walkers, I went aroun’ the prison to make sure nobody ’s in danger or had other problems, I ’s relieved that I hadn’ found anyone who ’s hurt 'nd I moved away from the chaos, when I found Judith’s bed, it ’s empty 'nd soaked with blood…”

“Daryl…” You didn’t know what else to say. Your cheeks were now covered with tears.

“I couldn’ save her, Y/N…”

You approached him and leaned on his shoulder. You held each other, both shaken by sobs. You tried to comfort him, though there was no consolation when the weakest died. “It’s not your fault…”, you whispered.

“I didn’ make it…”

The dark night swallowed you both and your hope faded more and more…


	3. Chapter 3

You woke up to a faint noise, as if something was beating irregularly but continuously at the windows. You were still sitting on the floor, resting your head on Daryl’s shoulder, which in turn leaned against you. You held hands as if to protect each other in this world. You pulled away a bit and he woke up with a grimace. Sleeping with the ass on the floor is also not exactly comfortable… He released his grip and ran his hand over his face. “Hey.”, he said.

“Someone is knocking on the windows.”, you said, standing up. “We should control how many there are.”

Even Daryl got up and went to join you. “Ugly assholes.” he commented. “How many do ya’ see?”, he asked, yawning.

“About ten.”

“And what do ya’ think?”

The sadness that you felt last night spread through your veins and turned into rage. Now you were angry and the unconscious beat you. “I think I want to tear them apart, ever single one of them.” You went to the door, but the man grabbed your arm.

“Wait.”, he said. “I check the area, there could be more.”

“Look around if you want, I’ll go out.”

“Y/N, no!”, Daryl tried to block you, but you were already at the door.

You went to the porch, down the steps and found yourself in the garden again. The Walkers attacked the window of the room in an unconvincing way when you drew their attention to you with a whistle. “Hey you bastards, I’m here!”

The Walkers slowly turned to you, almost all at the same time. “Come and get me, you son of a bitch!”

They began to hobble toward you as you pulled the pair of daggers from the belt of your pants, aimed them to the next two stray Walkers and rammed it into the center of their rotten faces in front of you. Soon after, you killed two more of them that you crossed at the base of your back. Then you took out your machete and waited for the Walkers that stopped in front of you. When these were close enough, you beheaded both in just one movement, then two more. Finally, the last Walker was nailed to the wall of the house and the blade rammed into the middle of the eyes. You looked around and hoped to find others, but you were disappointed. The thirst for blood had not subsided. After you cleaned the blades, you put them back in their cases. Then you returned to the house and went to Daryl, who quietly watched the scene from the window.

“Ya’ could’ve died!”, he berated you.

You shrugged with your shoulders. “But I’m alive, shall we have breakfast?”

{»Do you want to come with us?«, Rick asked one morning. He is a very attractive man, with two exaggerated blue eyes and dark hair. »In another life, in another situation, I would say yes without thinking for a second.«, you replied, realizing that you were a little too obvious. He smiled, but didn’t lose sight of the target. »Let’s look for supplies, if you want to ask Glenn…«

»No, okay… I want to come along, I have to learn to survive alone.«

»Then we agree, get ready, I’ll wait for you in the car.« You decided to plunder a number of single-family homes near the prison. The area seemed safe so you left the car on the side of the road to be able to leave in an emergency. »The plan is the following: In front of the entrance we will make noises to expose all Walkers in the house to the outdoors. As soon as we are inside we look for food, medicines and weapons. We first check the upper floor.« You nodded convinced. The next second you two got out of the car. The first house was empty. You entered and Rick immediately went through the rooms. You went into the kitchen and emptied all the furniture: canned food, water, sweet and salty snacks. You threw everything in your bag, content with your first plunder. You went back into the living room to see that you had left nothing behind when your eyes saw it. You went to the sofa to better reach the object of your desire on the wall: a machete. You took it and when you came down again you started to examine it: the blade, black and sharp; The handle in red leather was soft and clean. Nobody had ever used this miracle. »Can you handle it?«, Rick’s voice startled me. He stood at the bottom of the stairs with a box of objects in his hands. »Not really, but I could learn.«

»Good idea, someone in the prison can help you.« You came back in the afternoon. Rick stopped you before he got out of the car. »Someone left the machete, for some reason and I thought I should keep it.«, you said and suddenly Rick handed me daggers all at once. »I can not accept that…«

»See it as my welcome gift, only a few days late.«

»But I can’t use them…«, you tried to explain. »You will learn, you have said it: You must learn to fight and to survive.«}

“His name was Travis.”, you said one evening. You were still in the house. You searched the area within six kilometers without stopping for a moment. You did not find anyone and the moral has dropped to the basement. There wasn’t much time left to look for the others in your group, and even if none of you wanted to admit it, it scares you a little bit to haven’t found them.

“Who?”, Daryl asked.

“The person I killed.”

At first he didn’t seem to remember because of his disoriented look. “Don’t want to know.”

“Why not?”

“‘Cause I no longer doubt ya’ did it, I believe ya’ now.”

“You have every reason not to trust me, but I’m glad you changed your mind.”

“Who tells ya’ that I did it?”

“You wouldn’t sleep unarmed otherwise, the fact is that you either trust me or you are very stupid and to be honest, you are definitely not stupid.”

“Don’t underestimate how uncomfortable it ’s to sleep with a crossbow on yer damn balls!”

“Touché.”, you commented and burst out laughing. Even Daryl smiled. For a moment you forgot all the rest. Then Daryl stood up and wanted to leave the sofa for you because of the night watch, but you stopped him. “Stay, this time it’s my turn.”

“Ya’ sure?”

You nodded and loosened the belt with the knives.

“I don’t insist, but now yer sleepin’ Y/N. Tomorrow’s 'nother damn new day.”

“We have a few days left to look for the others or to find them.”

“Ya’ know, the longer the days pass, the more likely we will not find anyone.”

You recognized that and it made you feel a pang in your heart. Will you not see them again? Your eyes filled with tears, but you did everything you could to keep them back. “I know…”, you swallowed.

“Would be easier if we find a car.”, he said, looking for a more comfortable position on the sofa.

“We would be faster. That’s true.”, you answered.

“It’s decided: Tomorrow we’ll pack our things 'nd leave.”

❝Mid-September:

You have no idea how much I miss you, Rick, it’s so hard to survive on my own… Sometimes I forget what I’m fighting for and taking on the melancholy. In search, I tell myself that not everything is lost and I know that you think about it before falling asleep… Actually, we were fine: We became a team, me and Mr. Dixon. Only he would probably mock me if he found out that I write down my thoughts. I do not want him to see me weak. Now he’s on his way to check if the area is clean before we leave. I hope to see you all again soon from our group and if it does not come to that, the living dead will have caught me and Daryl will have given me the last honor…

PS: We are still looking for you. If you read this message, you know that we are moving towards the Appalachians.

Until next time.

Y/N and Daryl❞

You left the letter on the table and closed the door behind you. You reached Daryl in the garden and found him kneeling beside the graves. When he got up again, you saw what he was doing: a small cross was added to the others. You approached and recognized a “J” carved into it…

“Let’s go.”, he said. “We have to find a car.”

{»Killing a Walker is basically very simple, you just have to destroy their head, not the heart, not the belly, it’s the brain, I’ll show it to you.« Rick had a Walker in front of him, so close that if he had stretched out his arms, he would probably be able to touch him. Even so, the fence that separated them made the Walkers harmless. The prison yard was the best place to practice. Rick held a knife in his right hand, which he rested on the forehead of a middle-aged Walker, who looked at him blankly at that moment, not understanding what would happen to him in a few moments. He hissed and excitedly stretched his jaw. With a steady punch, Rick sank the blade into the Walker’s skull, whose groan died as if he had pressed a switch. He pulled out his knife and shook off the organic matter left on the blade. »And now try it yourself.« As Rick talked to you, another Walker approached on the other side of the fence. He gave you a blind but angry look. He struck the fence, made you wince, and let the dagger slip out of your hand. »Shit!«, you blurted out. »It is normal. I also hesitated the first time.«

»Seriously?«, you asked. »You look so confident.« Rick smiled. »You had to see me that day, I had lost everything, and suddenly I found a creature that, although it had no body from the waist down, tried hard to grab me, I hesitated after I saw that, believe me.« You clenched your fists and picked up the knife, determined to do it. »Do you see the weapon you hold?«, Rick asked. »It’s a dagger that penetrates perfectly into the bone, but if your attacker is too close and prevents you from moving, killing can be a problem, so you have to reach the brain by pervading it thinner, as on the temples, or through the soft tissues, like the eyes, as well as under the jaw, but be careful: you have to reach the brain if you have a knife that is too short, you risk getting stuck in the skull without killing him, so that you get stuck without a gun in the end.« The Walker stood in front of you and waited. The dagger in your hand demanded blood. You just wanted to learn to survive. So you took a deep breath and aimed the blade at the eye. Then you did it. The eye exploded, bloodied, and the blade came in effortlessly until it reached the cerebrum and finally extinguished the rotten body in front of you. The Walker fell to the ground with a dull thud as you pulled back the knife and at the same time the stench pushed you away from Rick so as not to puke out your breakfast in the prison yard. When you turned back, the Sheriff approached and put a hand on your shoulder. »You will get used to it.«

»Killing people, you mean?« Rick shook his head. »They aren’t humans, Y/N, not anymore.« You returned to prison with the feeling of being watched. Daryl sat on a table in the prison yard, carving arrows. He followed you with a grim look until you disappeared with Rick in the building…}


	4. Chapter 4

“Who were ya’ before all this?”

The question surprised you, especially because you were asked by Daryl, who is usually not a big speaker. You searched for the right words to describe yourself, but only a few came to your mind: “An empty person, and alone.”

You two went on a side street in search of a still running car with enough gas.

“We’re all alone.”, he answered.

“Yes, but I didn’t notice it at the time, do you know those pretty and always smiling girls?”

“No.”, the man said it with a mixture of disgust and disapproval in the voice that always made you smile.

“Good in sports, in love, in highschool, even in college, I was always the best, at least I was so far that I could skip some classes.”

Daryl cast a questioning look at you. “How old are ya’?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Then not.”

Your question seemed to upset him. “Unfortunately I came from a rich family and despite the success, I was alone.”

“So that they all hated ya’.”

“I think so too, even the girl I am today hates the girl I was, but I also feel sorry for her.”

“And why?”

“Because everything changed when I met you in the prison and it’s thanks to you because I’m different today than I was before, I didn’t do anything to change it, I’m finally filling in my empty life, thanks to you… My family… I lost my mom when I was very young and I never really had a dad, he was only interested in his money and now I have you and the others as a family.”

“Ya’ counting me now to ya’ family too?”, Daryl asked resignedly. In fact, you were alone now and your subconscious repressed how you stood to each other in the beginning.

“Fuck…” You felt a pain in your chest that you could barely stand. It was the sadness that pulled you down, so you took a deep breath to calm yourself. You tried to distract yourself by asking him the same question he asked you: “What about you, who was Daryl Dixon?”

“I was nobody. Nothing.”, he answered softly and in a low voice.

“Come on, you don’t deceive me, you couldn’t be put into a situation worse than mine.”

It took a while for him to react. “My mom died when I ’s a kid, dad acted like I didn’ exist, ‘nd worse… I ran away from home 'nd lived with my brother for the last couple of years.”

You raised your eyebrows and were visibly confused. “In what sense, what made your father so bad?”

Daryl answered after a long pause. “Don’t wanna talk 'bout it, I’ve already told ya’ too much.”

There was a certain amount of embarrassment in you as you went back again to the person you hardly knew. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive topic, I didn’t mean to bother you…”

In a moment between you there was a frosty silence. Nevertheless, you recognized differences in his behavior when you met him. “But you have changed, too.”, you said, breaking the silence.

“How can ya’ say that?”, he replied. In his voice you found an arrogance that reminded you of the first few times in the prison when Daryl turned to you just to show you how much hostility he 'accepted’ within the group. Anyway, he wasn’t wrong with the fact that you didn’t know him well.

“I know nothing about you. The only thing I know is that in the beginning you acted like a real asshole to me, you even threatened to kill me, but then you saved me. I don’t know what made you do it, you could let me die, you could have done it often, but you never did, and you even cried with me, then I’ll just get more convinced that there is something new in you. Something different. Something to love.”, you said, remembering when he talked to you about Judith.

“Shut up!”, he interrupted you. His voice was as cold as ice.

“I just want to say that you are not the asshole you seem to believe in. The truth is that you worry, and that’s why you’re still looking for the others in our group.” Daryl suddenly stood in front of you to look at you. You paused, surprised by his aggressive behavior as he approached your face and reminded you of it when he did it for the first time.

“I told ya’ to shut the fuck up, stop talking 'bout it!” He was so close that you could feel his breath on your skin. Only a few inches away from you. You remained silent and instinctively took a step back, annoyed by him, invading your personal privacy.

“Ya’ don’t know me!”, he hissed with his eyes on the ground. For the first time, you saw him hesitating.

“Repeat it by looking me in the eyes, Daryl Dixon.”, you answered seriously.

His nostrils widened, he was breathing heavily, but his eyes stayed low, looking for a way out of this situation. After a moment he lifted them and looked in yours, his eyes blue and cold, revealing that the past Daryl Dixon hadn’t completely disappeared. “I waste my time lookin’ for the others, 'cause I’m listenin’ to a stupid bitch who thinks she’s still alive 'nd not dead inside!”

His words hit you hard in your face. Not so much for the insulting way he spoke to you, but for what he thought about the other members of the group. “You… Don’t you think they are still alive?”

“Course not! If they’re alive, we would’ve found 'em already, or not?”

Tears began to roll over your face and you couldn’t stop them. You cried, because if Daryl Dixon says that, it means it’s probably true. “So you think that-…” The man interrupted you again. “I don’t think anythin’!”, he blurted out. “All I know ’s that in three days we’ve done nothin’ but wander 'round like idiots lookin’ for people who almost certainly died long ago!” He nervously walked in a circle and shook his arms in your direction as if it was all your fault. “We’re wastin’ energy 'cause of yer ridiculous fantasies! Yer nothin’ more than a sentimental bitch who needs affection!”

Only now did you notice that you fell to your knees on the ground. You stared into the void and cried on, unable to protect yourself from the cruel words of your companion. You thought that if he beat you, it would have probably been less painful. You felt stupid, but most of all you felt alone again.

“We’ve to keep lookin’ for a damn car.”, he ordered.

You wiped your face, wet with tears, with the sleeve of your jacket and sniffled. “I was wrong.”, you said, standing up. Daryl glanced at you before returning to the journey. “'Bout what?”

“You haven’t changed at all.”

Dawn rose as you prepared your things. The trekking backpack that you found during one of the many runs for supplies will from now on be your only travel companion. You filled him with half of the supplies you had and felt too generous with Daryl, who, unlike you, was still able to catch food with his own hands. You put the backpack on your shoulder, ready to go alone. You spent the night in a makeshift camp in the forest, a few hundred yards from the road you were traveling. A tent of a now dead person was your salvation. Now Daryl is hunting and you took this opportunity to go. You couldn’t stay with him anymore, not after what he had told you. You decided that you would be better on your own while looking after the rest of your family. Before you left, you tore a sheet from your notebook and left a message for the rest of the group with a pen.

❝ Middle of September:

I’m looking for you, at least until tomorrow. In the next few days I will start to move on. Alone. I hope to see you soon.

Y/N.❞

You left the note in the tent and knew that Daryl would read it too. But you didn’t care. So you return to the street and look at the map. If you’re not mistaken, you should be about nine or ten kilometers west of the prison, and on this road to the east you should be able to inspect the area north you last wanted to control with Daryl. If you don’t find anyone in the next few days, you will continue marching. You got no idea how long it will take, maybe months, but you’ll go as lame as your legs will carry you. You looked at the camp one last time and before you left, you whisper the farewell words: “Take care, asshole.”

The arc that the sun made in the autumn sky told you that you had already gone several hours. Just when you wanted to stop to take a break, the side of the road opened south to a wide grassy area. Just what you needed to rest with a watchful eye on what surrounded you. You sat on a rock about twenty yards from the road and ate a snack. As you noticed this disgusting taste, you saw a few Walkers coming from the end of the clearing. They also see you and accelerated the pace. You stayed still and waited for them and when they were only a few yards away from you, you pulled out the machete and killed them with little effort by cutting off their heads. On your way, you met other Walkers that were quite far apart so as not to jeopardize your safety. When you thought about how a lonely life wouldn’t be so bad at all, suddenly a wandering, decaying Walker from the forest appeared on the roadside and surprised you. With your arms you tried to push him away, even if it wasn’t so easy. He pushed you to the ground and made you lose your balance. You fell back and hit your head on the asphalt, and your vision began to fill with black dots. You thought it was over now and you were going to die… Your temples throbbed with effort. The Walker above you growled, and into your nose came the smell of death and decay, when suddenly something happened. You did not know what exactly killed the Walker, so you looked at the body above you and you understood: Your hands were in the rest of his neck, which was in an advanced state of decomposition, sunk, from the jaw to the skull. At the moment you touched the brain, hot, wet and sticky. As soon as you recognized the situation in which you found yourself, you repressed the disgust that rose in you. You threw the Walker away from yourself, or at least you thought you did, because right after the wording of that thought, everything around you turned black…


	5. Chapter 5

Did you ever wake up to such an awkward position that you opened your eyes? When you regained consciousness, you realized that something was wrong: You felt the aching stomach and head and your whole body felt like being on a boat. You opened your eyes and the situation didn’t improve: The asphalt below you was moving as if you were walking backwards but without touching the ground and as if a heavy load had been clutching your legs. What the hell is going on here? Then, finally, the sense of balance and the perception of your body revealed the riddle. “Let me down, whoever you are!”, you warned.

With an inexplicable twist, you found yourself sitting on the ground, free. You turned to those who were transporting you, and you recognized the person you didn’t want to see anymore. Daryl crouched beside you, his forearms resting on his bent knees, in a posture that reflected his personality. He didn’t say anything. You stood up slowly and he hurried to you, raising your arms.

“’S that yer way of thankin’ me?”

“And for what? To make me puke out my food again?” You continued your journey, leaving Daryl behind you.

“To’ve saved ya’.”

At this point you imitate his arrogant way: You turned to him and approached his face with an angry and cold look. “I was fine without you.”

“Explain to the Walker who wanted to eat ya’ while ya’ fainted.”

You rubbed your eyes. “Listen, I want you to leave me alone.”, you said in a calm voice.

“Why did ya’ go?”

“What did you say before? A stupid and sentimental bitch who needs affection?”

“Y/N…”

“No, Dixon, if you want me to endure you, at least do me the favor of being quiet.”

“Where did ya’ go?”

“Are you deaf? Shut the hell up!”

Daryl grabbed your wrist and forced you to stop. He looked you straight in the eye and reserved a look that was without challenge, but full of curiosity. He stayed like that for a few seconds to study through his blue eyes, then shook his head. “Can’t leave ya’ alone.”

You broke out of his grip and spread your arms. “I agree with you, you won, but leave me alone for now.”

❝September:

As I write these lines, I cry. I cry silently, careful that Daryl doesn’t see me. I don’t want to destroy the low regard he has for me anyway. At least not today. I thought we were a team, but I was wrong. I am not up to such a man and I don’t even want to force myself to do so. I stay with him because it’s the last part left of you all. I’m writing another message, though I don’t believe in seeing you all again. So as not to lose my humanity, not to forget who I really am. If you have read the last message, and I strongly doubt that you will, you will know that we will give up soon… We arrived near a city, but we didn’t stay long. We drive on to ours and when we arrive there, we will move further north. I can’t tell you I’m fine because I’m not. I don’t want to lie to you.

I love you all.

Y/N❞

You’ve basically stopped talking to Daryl since he found you. You just communicated while eating and said things like: “You eat that?”, or, “Do you want more water?”. Usually it’s always Daryl who asks questions and often adds sentences like, “I’m going to piss.” You confined yourself to shaking your head in different ways or to agreeing with a laconic “Okay”. And now that you’ve given up the search, it’s even worse. There is nothing left that drives you to fight.

“Ya’ need to eat somethin’.”, Daryl said.

“I’m not hungry.”

“I won’ carry ya’ in my arms if ya’ faint.”

“I didn’t ask you, you’re not my doctor, you can leave me in the middle of the street.”

“Rick would never forgiv’ me.”

“Rick is dead, Daryl.”

“Ya’ don’ know that.”

You rolled your eyes and turned to face him. “As far as we know, we’re the only ones left, remember, you told me.”

“Sorry I said that.”

“There is no reason to regret this.”

“Y/N, listen to me.”

“No, Daryl, now you’re listening to me!”, you blurted out. You couldn’t hear him talking anymore. “I’m tired of being treated like a weak person! I’m sick of not being able to act the way I want, because I’m constantly looking at you to be ready to judge me if I cry, laugh, or talk! I don’t understand what the hell is driving you to be with me, if you really hate me so much, I don’t understand why you didn’t leave me to the Walker!”

“Bullshit.”, he hissed.

“It’s not bullshit, it’s all true, it’s also true that we lost our group and we will not find them anymore!”, you said.

“Don’ know if they’re really dead.”

You turned to face him again…

“We’ll never see them again, dammit!”, you raised your voice and hauled in a few Walkers that trotted through the dense bush a few tens of yards away. “It doesn’t even make sense to continue this journey together!”

“If ya’ think I’m goin’ to let ya’ go ‘lone, forget it…”, he replied pulling an arrow from one of the Walkers he had killed in the meantime. You shook your head and ignored what he just said, but you did not realize he hadn’t finished the sentence yet. “…Yer all that’s left for me.”

❝21 September:

Our journey continues. No trace of cars so far, so we keep on walking. Daryl suggested going down a smaller distance than I planned, so as not to get tired. Of course, we are in no hurry to get there, as we don’t know what to expect. The important thing is to survive. According to the map, we are halfway there. With Daryl it has gotten better. We don’t talk much, but at least we stopped arguing. And at least I accept the meanwhile fact that we’ll never meet again. I need time, but I will do it. And maybe I will stop writing, but that will happen later. I love you all.

Y/N❞

The small fire that you lit one evening in a makeshift camp lit your dirty faces. You fenced the warehouse with a string and tin cans. For now, the night seemed calm and peaceful, so you ate your dinner in religious silence. Since you were reconciled, you couldn’t tell Daryl what you think of him, and now, facing the stars, your thoughts didn’t give you rest. You decided to break the silence and speak in one breath to prevent Daryl from interrupting you: “I know that you play the role of the heartless asshole, if your very nature would ruin your reputation, you couldn’t pretend. You wouldn’t have a heart: You are as sensitive as me, Daryl Dixon, or maybe even more and you can tell me to shut up as often as you want, but that will not change things: You can deny it if you believe that it is weak to prove that you hold on to something, you can ignore it or even suppress it and try not to give in to your feelings, you can do any of these things, but things change. The feelings you feel make you the person you are, and you’re a special person to our group and even for me, don’t forget that.”

You felt that your speech had no appreciable conclusion, so you kept quiet and let the embarrassment cover you like a leaf. You rolled over to avoid seeing Daryl lying on the other side of the fire. It is possible that your words would inevitably ruin the fragile alliance that you built, even if you thought it was right in the end to have said it. He didn’t answer and part of you hoped he was already dozing, but at some point his deep voice burned your hopes. “Now sleep, gotta start tomorrow mornin’.”

He ignored your words and maybe it is better that way.

You crossed a forest on a sunny afternoon and decided to divert the route because according to the map the path would have been extended by at least half a day. As you walked, inspired by the trees and the sounds of the forest, you asked him, “Who taught you how to hunt?”

“Learned alone.”

“Did ya’ ever hunt? Do ya’ know how it works?”, he added.

You shrugged your shoulders. “No, I never needed it, and now I regret it.”

“I’ll teach ya’ if we find a weapon to practice.”

“Thanks… In the meantime, you could teach me how to use the crossbow.”, you suggested, pointing to the weapon.

“I could, maybe when we’re in a safe place.”

Within a hundred meters you saw a house between the trees. It is very similar to the one you escaped from the herd of Walkers some time ago.

“Might be useful to take a look inside.”, said Daryl. With your weapons in hand, you quietly approached the house. The exterior was quiet and Daryl looked out into the yard, approaching with a slow step, and opened the door with a decisive blow. From inside the house, a large number of Walkers began to emerge one after another, spreading out in front of you. It didn’t matter how many you killed: Those who left the house seemed to be infinitely many. In a few moments, the Walkers spread like wildfire and wherever you looked, you saw some of them trying to grab you with their bony hands and their lazy teeth. With the machete, you could kill several at one go and keep a certain reach, but it wasn’t enough, because in less than a minute the area around the house was surrounded with the living dead.

“Daryl!”, you called. The flock had separated you and now you couldn’t see him anymore, even when you heard him fighting a few yards away.

“Run away, Y/N, there are too many, we must part!”

“But where…?”

“Damn it, I’ll find ya’!”

“No-…”

“Damn! Run!”

You caught sight of him between the Walkers while the machete was searching for your escape. You couldn’t reach him, there were too many, so you ran in the opposite direction, trying to escape from this hell. You ran, but the trees slowed you down so you had to stop every now and then to kill a Walker that was too close. How the hell is it possible that this house was so full of Walkers? You did not know it. You only knew it was a deadly trap. You ran and ran, the Walkers gave you no rest. They were everywhere, too many to handle them alone. You put down your machete to keep your hands free and kept running. You searched for Daryl among the trees, hoping to see him by your side, but you didn’t see anybody around who was still alive. For a moment, you were distracted, just to avoid seeing the root that stumbled on you. You landed with full force on the ground between the dry leaves, but got up immediately, driven by the adrenalin in your veins. You ran further when suddenly the ground under your feet was missing. This time, you began to roll down the slope at high speed. It was a free fall that ended after a few moments in water. The water temperature was so low that you didn’t faint and were in shock. You started swimming as soon as you reached the shore, you looked around to find out where you had landed: After a flight of about ten meters, you were in an old abandoned quarry. The area didn’t seem to be affected, but you decided to get away from this dead end anyway. Your backpack was now an obstacle; full of water and he would slow down your movements. You took out everything you could keep: provisions, the notebook, a torch that you hoped you wouldn’t need as soon as the flint was dry. Shit… The map… The loss of the map is just the tip of the mountain of shit that had just covered you. You took a slow breath in and out to regain your calmness and pulled yourself shakily and wet out of the quarry, unaware of what to do next…


	6. Chapter 6

“Daryl!”

Only the silence of the forest answered you. Again and again, some Walkers looked out through the trees, attracted by the sound of your voice. It was risky to scream but you couldn’t do anything else to search for your ally. You had no idea where you were and what time it was. The forest was so dense that you couldn’t see the position of the sun in the sky and therefore at least understood to which direction you orient yourself. And the wounds and abrasions you suffered started to burn. You had to find a way to get rid of those wet clothes and replace them with something dry before it gets dark. You couldn’t risk weakening yourself or worse, getting sick. You couldn’t afford it at all. Not now that you were alone and especially not in these times. You started to make as much noise as possible because of the panic, clapped your hands, started to whistle… And as you walked on, you looked around and checked the area. The Walkers attracted by the whistle slowly approached and this gave you time to kill them with one of the daggers. The body fell to the floor with a thump, you looked at him and tilted your head to one side. He was a man of about thirty, average build, wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and a long-sleeved shirt under it. The clothes were not in a bad condition, dirty and worn, of course, but at least dry. The idea of removing it from a dead body made you shudder over your back, but you had no choice. You resisted your disgust and began unbuttoning his pants. The clothes stank enormously… When the dawn broke, you hadn’t found a refuge where you could dry your clothes, much less find Daryl. Finally, you were happy with an old barn that you had found at the edge of the forest. You shut yourself up and hid yourself in a corner to create a kind of nest of old straw. You were trembling at the coldness and humidity that had crept under your skin, so you tried to cover yourself as much as possible and rest for a while until morning. You squeezed your eyes shut and breathed into the shirt you had stolen from the dead man so as not to dispel the heat. Four words buzzed in your head. The last Daryl addressed to you. I will find you…

“Hey, get up.”

“Daryl!”

The man stood in front of you. He looked at you with his usual arrogant look. “Told ya’ I would find ya’.”

You smiled and were happy to see him again. “Of course! You are the hunter.”

He reached out a hand to help you get up. “C'mon, the rest ’s waitin’ for us.”

“The rest?”

“Yeah, get up, c'mon.”

“I don’t believe it, did you find them, where?”, you asked, excited at the thought of seeing Rick and everyone else again. But Daryl didn’t answer me. He remained silent with his outstretched hand, waiting for you to grab it. You reached out your arm and just when you wanted to grab his hand you woke up… It was just a dream…

Sunlight penetrated the wood planks like a sharp blade into the barn. ‘I’ll find you’…, you sighed and got up, determined to continue the journey. Your whole body ached horribly. The fall caused several bruises on the legs, arms and back. Your stomach was covered with bruises and wounds. Once you’ve decided which direction to take, you’re thinking of leaving as many hints as possible to show your way. In front of the barn you created a kind of huge arrow, which indicated which way you will go, and under it you left the name 'Daryl’.

'I will find you.’, you repeated and hoped…

Dawn showed you the direction: East. You went through the woods, looking for a street, on alert, to put yourself at risk. Being alone again made you very sad, especially because this time you didn’t choose to leave voluntarily. You were ready to start over, make an effort to be friends with Daryl and accept him and his nature. But fate has decided to make fun of you. But it wasn’t over yet. Daryl will find you as he has done in the past and together you will continue from where you left off. You trusted his skills. You were sure that you would be together again in a few days. Because alone you wouldn’t know how long you would survive.

❝Beginning of October:

Daryl Dixon is dead. I’m not sure, but it’s very likely that’s the case. Otherwise he would have found me. There is no other explanation. I left all sorts of signs to emphasize my presence, but after ten days we still didn’t get together. I feel the same things that I felt when I lost you all. When I realized that I wouldn’t see you again. Pain, resignation, disappointment, despair. But this time I’m not sad because I finally accept the fact that you inevitably remain alone in this world. We live and die alone. This Apocalypse doesn’t grant us the luxury of loving, but only survival, and whoever doesn’t recognize or even reject it dies. I don’t want to die when I’m sitting in a corner waiting for my end to come. If I have to leave this world, I want to fight against it. I want to give my life a bit of dignity. I want to be proud of myself and I want you all to stay that way. The only consolation I can get out of this situation is to think that you’re back together somewhere and that somehow you’re protecting me. Tell Daryl if he’s alive, I’m sorry. I wanted to make it and wished we were finally back together as a family or at least as what was left of it. And all in all, he was the best companion I could wish next to you. I love you all.

Y/N.❞

No Walker came near you to attack you as they crossed the deserted street in a very small town. The only sound you heard was otherwise that of your stomach, because you used up the food supply two days ago. But you can not continue to eat flies and worms… On the right side, a mini-market seemed to be just right for you. You approached slowly as a Walker came out from behind the corner of the building, trying to reach out with outstretched arms. You stopped him by taking his dirty T-shirt and removing it far enough from your reach, then ramming the blade through the mouth, cutting off the disgusting sound they emitted when they saw prey. “Shut up, you ugly asshole.” The door of the shop was locked and you, with a little patience, began to break it open. Nevertheless, you waited a few minutes before you entered to be around, that no other Walker wanted to surprise you by attacking you. Shortly thereafter you controlled the shelves, many empty, others in disarray. All surfaces were covered with a thick layer of dust. After that time, since the apocalypse began, there were only a few edible things left, some canned food, snacks, some junk food. You couldn’t be picky anymore. You filled the bag with everything else yoy could carry and went out shortly afterwards to enjoy your lunch. You climbed onto the roof of a car without a tire and opened a box of dried fruit. The noise you made nevertheless attracted a Walker and he came up to you with small steps, which still allowed the reduced length of his legs. Long hair stretched to the waist, mixed with blood and dirt. The clothes that once looked pink are now gray and crumpled. As soon as the Walker saw you, it hurried to you. You tilted your head to one side. “How long have you been wandering around, little girl?”, you asked softly and sadly. The Walker showed you his rotten teeth without lips, damned to walk around for eternity. With a quick jump you hopped off the car and walked towards her, the machete ready. The glassy eyes no longer transmitted emotions. But you were sad. “It’s time to rest…”, you told her and when she was only one step away from you, you rammed the blade into her skull. Later, you took a short tour around the city to see if you could find anything interesting or useful anywhere, so you didn’t look for anything specific. Most of the time, you looked in abandoned cars, looking for useful resources, even though you weren’t very successful. The last car you checked caught your attention more than the other cars: In the backseat, you saw a familiar color comic book. You opened the door and pulled it out with a tear running down your face, because suddenly you realized: There is nothing better here and it will never be the same again. Before you left the city, you laid the Walker you killed in front of the shop in the middle of the street, arms open at forty-five degrees, to simulate an arrow pointing in the direction you walked. Part of you still hoped someone was always looking for you.

{The boy layed cross-legged on his bed and read a comic book about a superhero.

»Hi.«, you said.

He turned to see who was bothering his moment of relaxation. He looked at a new, unfamiliar face and frowned. »And who are you?«, he inquisitorily inquired.

»My name is Y/N.«

The boy’s blue eyes studied you carefully and wisely. His serious and frowning expression betrayed him and revealed to you who he was before he spoke to you.

»So you’re Rick Grimes’s son.«, you said, smiling. He sat up, careful not to bang his head against the upper bed. His dark hair covered his forehead. He nodded weakly. »My name is Carl, did you arrive here alone in the prison?«

»No. Your father and the other guy with the crossbow found me, they saved my life.«

Carl rested his elbows on his legs and crossed his fingers. »They’re good at it.«, he replied, nodding gravely.

You thought about how unfair it would be for a boy of his age to grow up in a world like this, where it isn’t possible to be carefree and defenseless, as only they know how to be. You watched him intently to understand what he had lost in his young life to get where he was. At the time you didn’t know what he had to do to his mother.}

❝End of October:

Time passes, the days get shorter and the available light gets less and less. It has been some time since I was alone. Without you. Without Daryl. I haven’t crossed a living person since the Walkers overran the house. I wonder if it really makes any sense to keep this up. Sometimes I think it’s a lot easier to finish my life. I don’t have the courage anymore. Not without enough weapons. But then it would be so easy to press the trigger. It is raining now. I’m writing from a car I found on the street. It probably belonged to a Walker now lying on the asphalt, his skull smashed by my boots. I will spend the night here and wait for the next day. Bye for now.

Y/N.❞

The morning after the rain, it allowed you to leave the car. The sun continues to show you the way to the east. You left the letter on the dashboard and wrote with blood big 'Daryl D.’ to the door. After about a month, a walk in the silence is annoying and depressing at the same time. So you started singing some meaningless sentences so as not to lose the urge to reality.

“Alone, I fight, alone, until I’m home…”

At home. But which house? You immediately became sad again and decided to stop. Then suddenly a group of Walkers came out of the forest. You looked at seven, then eight, nine, twelve… It looked like a small herd and it worried you. They approached you, probably through the sound of your voice. Out of the bushes came out more, but suddenly they changed direction and went through the trees on the opposite side of the road. Yoy ran with a quick step, careful not to trip through some obstacle, and checked behind you if the danger was far enough away to be a threat. On your right, a rustle of dry leaves on the ground attracted your attention. It didn’t seem to be a Walker, but you, by nature suspicious, kept running. You moved to the left and tried as far as possible parallel to run from the road and at the same time not to land in the group of Walkers. Then again, you heard a rustling a few feet away from you. You turned around, but your eyes saw no one. Were you crazy? Now the sound, which sounded like steps became louder and came closer and whoever it radiated, didn’t seem to try to hide it so as not to be discovered. The hope of seeing your ally grew strong in you, then creating a void in your chest.

“Daryl, is that you?” The footsteps stopped suddenly. Someone grabbed you behind you and any movement was impossible. Yoy fell to the ground while a heavier body blocked you like a vice. He held your hands behind your back and prevented you from reaching the machete.

“Yes, darling.”, he whispered in your ear. “Your Daryl is back!”, answered a roaring laughter. Then he turned to someone else. “Here we are, let’s take her to the field, Joe will be glad to see such a beautiful girl!”

“Let me go!”, you protest and got as the only answer still a laugh. They tied your hands with a rope and confiscated your weapons and the food bag. Someone grabbed your shoulders and turned to you. A stranger towered over you. You spat in his face to make him angry. “You’ll get that back later, bitch!”, he told you in a deep voice. And while the strangers were kidnapping you, the words Rick had said to you some time ago came back into your head.

“Fight the dead, keep the living alive.”


	7. Chapter 7

While they’re transporting you, the men didn’t speak. They only gave you the opportunity to hear their steps to find out where they were taking you, although of course you couldn’t guess much. You only knew that you were still in the woods because of the sound of dry leaves.

“Poor little girl.”, one man commented sarcastically.

“This Joe will be happy when I kill him.”, you said, trying to provoke him. “I assume you want to make a good impression on him.”

The man stopped, probably to make a decision with his partner, then decided to let you go. In a modest way, he put you down on the ground and then immediately lifted you up by the shoulders. “Move!”, he said succinctly.

You burst out laughing. “How am I supposed to see anything blindfolded?”, you asked ironically.

“Shut up!”, he hissed and gave you a push. “Go now.”

You literally moved blindly, not knowing exactly where to put your feet and where you were going. You went on in silence for a while. From time to time you stumbled and fell to your knees, but clenched your teeth to endure the pain that could be felt in your legs. The two tormenters laughed each time you landed on the ground and mocked you with stupid sentences: “Did you forget how to walk?”, “Are you blind?” You endured their abuse in the hope that they would stop. Finally, the soft underbrush under your feet became hard ground; It was asphalt. A street? Very good. At least you had a point of reference. But the question was, will you ever escape from the place you’re going to? After some time, which seemed endless again to you, they warned you that you are almost there. You heard voices from other men who had welcomed the small group and, among other things, exchanged some appreciation that could have been avoided. In addition to numerous sexual allusions, you continued until you reach a point where one of the men took you to a dark place and then took the cloth from your eyes. You were in a tent lit by two overhead oil lamps surrounded by unrepentant men, armed with rifles, machetes and other weapons. In front of you, a standing man looked at you with folded arms. “Who do we have here?”, he asked, opening with a disturbing smile.

“We found her alone in the woods with some weapons.” The man whistled and took all my weapons.

“They are beautiful.”, he commented, studying them.

“They are mine.”, you answered dryly.

The man opens his mouth and arched his eyebrows to express false astonishment. “So you can talk!”

With that sentence, you decided to keep silent and confine yourself to looking at him with the icy and crookedest look. You thought of Daryl and how he would look at him.

The man laughed softly. “Do you even know how to use weapons?”

“She escaped a group of Walkers, we didn’t see her fight.”

“The blade is crusted with blood in several places and it seems to be sharpened, it could have stolen it from someone, but that does not necessarily mean it knows how to use it.”

“Untie me and find out.”

The man laughed a second time and turned back to one of his men. “Anything else?”, he asked.

“Supplies.”

“Good, put it to the other foods.”

“And what do we do with her?”

“In the meantime, I think about it, by the way, I’m Joe, and you’re mine now.”, he told you. You stared at him seriously, without answering.

“Someone’s going to have to teach her good behavior!”, he said, looking around and provoking the happiness of the spectators around you. They left you alone in the dark tent, but at least that gave you the time to think about how to get out of this situation. You were alone. Tied to a pole. Without weapons. Exhausted and hungry. Your guns took that asshole and who knows where he put them. You heard footsteps coming closer and never thought you would see such a thing here. A woman. She enters without looking at you and kneels before you with a bowl. Then she started to feed you with a spoon.

“What’s that?”, you asked. She did not answer so you asked again. “Are you the only woman here?” Silence…

“My name is Y/N and yours?” The woman took a deep breath and then spoke. “Don’t ask questions, just do what the men tell you, it will eventually get easier.”

"What will be easier?“

She stood up in response and quickly got out of the tent and left you alone again. After some time someone else came to visit you. Joe. This time, he was alone, squatting in front of you and staying in that position for a few moments.

"Hello beauty.”, he said after a while. “Are you getting ready for your new home?” With his fingers, he touched your hair and followed the shape of your face so that you were instinctively portrayed.

“Fine, I like you, but do you know what I like even more?”

You don’t answer, looking at the floor you sat on to avoid its slimy appearance.

“I asked you a question!”, he shouted and made you flinch.

“What?”, you asked in a whisper.

Joe approaches and grabs your face with one hand and squeezes your cheeks. He came so close that your noses touched. “I like it when you’re all mine.”

You wondered what that fucking place was and what a shit you had to deal with here. You couldn’t understand it and unexpectedly you felt scared. Finally, he let go of you, got up, and paced up and down in front of you. “If you have any questions, ask.”

The first question you wanted to ask was whether he was mentally ill before the end of the world. But there was another thing you wanted to know. “What you want to do with me?”

“No, you can’t ask that.” He looked at you and showed you a disturbing smile. “It is a surprise.”

“When can I go?”

Joe laughed with enthusiasm. “Darling, haven’t you understood that yet? You will never leave this place! You’re claimed!”

“And why?”, you asked in a whisper.

“My men have saved your life!”

“I decide what to do with my life.”, you replied calmly. You hid your real desire to cry behind false indifference.

“Well, you can’t, and you know why, because I decide for you now.”

In his eyes, you recognized an unhealthy security that revealed his secret: He wanted you to be scared. It’s easier to control a person when she’s scared. You took a deep breath and were determined to ask your last question. “Are you the boss here?”

“Yes.”, Joe replied, opening in a self-centered smile. “Why do you ask?”

You weren’t overwhelmed by weakness. You spent a month out there surviving things you never imagined without Daryl at your side. “So I know who I have to kill first.”

The man was still laughing and didn’t take your words seriously. He turned and walked out. “Good night beautiful.”

The place where you found yourself confused you completely: You didn’t perceive the passage of time, and so you didn’t recognize the different moments of the day. You distinguished the day and the night only from the light you recognized outside when someone moved the awning to go inside. It had been a while since Joe had visited you. You only saw one person who put the oil in the lamps and the woman who fed you. It always appeared when it was dark outside, so you assumed that she only looked past once a day. One evening, you asked her to come off because you urgently needed to go to pee. Since that confusion started, you’ve lost all sorts of regularity; In addition, drinking little water has also made it a common practice to urinate less often. “Help me…”, you implored.

“I can’t.”

“And how do I do it then?”

The woman looked at you for the first time. Her eyes were darkened as if she had no great life here. She pulled her lips together and swallowed.

“Should I wear my clothes?”, you ask in shock.

The woman looked down again. “If you stink, they’ll be there.”

“What?”

As you made this question more and more anxious and harassed, the woman left the tent and took away the little dignity you had left. Time passed. Days, hours. Nobody visits you except the woman. You completely lost touch with time. One morning, you were awakened by a man you hadn’t met before and who woke you with a kick. “Get up!”, he commanded you. You, who had no idea what would happen, felt dazed, empty and disoriented. You shook your head at the drowsiness that tormented you.

“You smell like a pig.”, he commented, distorting his nose. A cloth suddenly fell over your eyes and made everything black. He released you from the pole, then tied your wrists back behind your back and got you moving. He led you out of the tent where the rain moistened your clothes and your hair and the cold air brushed your face. Suddenly the man began to speak: “Take care of yourself, Joe wants you to be clean.”

You felt a hand on your arm and something hard pressed against your ribs on your back. Then the man turned back to you. “Do exactly as he tells you, otherwise I’ll be rude to you tonight.”, he said with a touch of sadism in his voice. You didn’t understand what it was referring to, but that did not matter.

A female voice warns me, “If you make one wrong move, I’ll shoot you.”

He led you to a soft and uneven floor, then the man finally removed the blindfold. You blinked your eyes to get used to the light and in front of you you saw a small river flow.

“Take off your clothes and go into the water.”, he said, untying the ropes from your wrists. You turned to the woman. “It’s freezing cold!”, you blurted as you massaged your wrists. In response she raised the gun to your chest. “Don’t let me repeat my words.”

You took a deep breath and thought about an escape plan, in spite of your sore legs, you protested against the idea. “What happens to you if I don’t do it?”

You hesitated, ready to negotiate your escape as she fired a shot over your head.

“Are you crazy, the Walkers will hear you!”, you admonished her.

You undressed, even though the rain had already soaked you. “Are there any other women?”, you asked, raising your eyebrows. She didn’t answer. You were forced to go into the water. The low temperature took your breath away and forced you to hurry. “We could go together, everyone!”

“They would find us, as they have already done.”

“Not if they die first.”, you commented.

The woman looked at you hostile. “Don’t you understand that? It’s thanks to them if we’re still alive!”

“Are you serious?” You felt sorry for these women because they didn’t know what it meant to be free, but at the same time you felt anger because you didn’t think anyone would be so faithful to their tormentor.

“I’m sorry.”, you told her as she stood behind you. Then, just as she was about to blindfold your eyes again, you raised your elbow and hit him with all your strength in her face. She immediately fainted and didn’t even give you the time to notice what you had just done. You looked around, relieved to see that you were alone. Anyway, you didn’t have time to get dressed because anyone could come any moment. You wrapped yourself in the tarp she had with you to dry you and steal her weapon. You started to run. But where? Your weapons were on the field. You didn’t know where they were stored and you didn’t know how many people you would have to kill to get them back. Suddenly you felt completely helpless. Without clothes, food, weapons. Naked, in every way. How far could you run before ending up in the arms of a Walker? It wouldn’t be a quick death. And then? If you woke up? You didn’t even want to think about it… Your doubts didn’t last long, because suddenly a man stood in front of you and knocked you unconscious. He laughed viciously. A warm liquid began to flow from your nose. A few drops of metallic taste crept between your lips as you lost your senses.

{»Have no fear. I will always be with you.«

His chest exploded, the bullet hit him instantly. Madison still had her eyes wide open because of the anger over the murder. Travis’s body fell forward. He was dead, for now… Your kidnappers threw you a look burned by the flames of his madness. You stared in amazement at Travis, unable to move or think. You cried. You cried silently with a grimace of unfortunate pain on your face. Then Madison’s body moved to the dead by itself. She dropped in front of him, her knees falling into his still warm blood. There she began to sob, stroking his dark hair, which he hadn’t cut in a long time. The voice of his killer penetrated your brain. Travis had found your family a few days ago. Madison… Nick… Alicia… You… The killer had been waiting for the most opportune moment to set you up: He had you all tied up and tortured. And then he had him killed in front of you and Madison. The only weapon available was in his hands. You couldn’t defend yourself. And actually you didn’t want to do it. But soon Travis would wake up again as a Walker…

»I’m not coming with you, I’d rather die.«

The man shrugged. »If you insist.« He pointed the gun at you, inches from your forehead. For the first time, you felt ready to die when Madison’s voice echoed in your head, »Run, Y/N, please, your time hasn’t come yet!«

From the forest, a sound caught the murderer’s attention and allowed you to react. You struck hard against the man’s wrist, letting the gun slide out of his hand. You both landed on the ground and rolled through the dust, he moved over you a few times, with his hands around your neck. Your hands wandered through the dust, searching for a rock or something else that would knock him unconscious. But you found something more useful: the gun.}


	8. Chapter 8

They locked you in a cold and completely dark place without captivating you. In a short time your eyes got used to the darkness and more or less allowed you to understand where you were: It looked like a tool shed, and the faint light that came through the planks showed a small and empty environment. You got up and inspected the circumference: You pushed against the wooden walls, smooth, even, sturdy, impossible to break with your bare hands. You found a door that was obviously locked. Shit… You curled up in a corner and wrapped yourself in the cloth you wore when you tried to escape, waiting for someone to come and visit. Will they punish you? Probably. It doesn’t take long for someone to open the door and close it immediately. The lamp he carried revealed Joe’s face, and the blood froze in your veins.

“Hi, pretty, how are you?”, he asked in a clear voice but you didn’t answer. The man put the lamp down on the floor and knelt down to you. “My people told me that you didn’t behave very well today.,” he said, grimacing. You turned to the side and tried to escape his slimy eyes.

“Don’t worry, our women will be punished properly.”

“Punish me, they have nothing to do with it.”, yoy tried to say. You didn’t care what they would do to you anymore.

“We will punish you too.” He stroked your face and made you flinch. “You know, today was a pretty busy day, I need to relax a bit and you took a bath in the river, right?” He took your chin with two fingers and forced you to nod. “It’s reasonable to see what you offer me.” You swallowed and hoped that you had misunderstood his words. “Please, just let me go.”

Joe grabbed your ankle and jerked you over so you fell on the floor of the shed. His unexpected and violent movement made you cry.

“Hey, calm down, look, I haven’t started yet.”, he said, moistening his lips. He tore the cloth from you and lay down on you. You swallowed again, this time knowing for sure what he was up to. “Please don’t do it.”

“Then pray again.” His hands glided over your now naked body to the wrists and locked them like two tongs. Under his pants, his erection pressed against your thigh, and your tears began to flow…

{»Sooner or later you’ll find yourself in a situation where only survival counts.« Michonne sat next to you in the prison yard and watched the Walkers on the fence from a distance. You thought about the moments you had before you got there. You thought of Travis, of Madison… »I think I’ve already experienced it.«

»Then you will know how to recognize it and you will know how to do it.«

»Will not you be with me?«, you asked nervously. The idea of losing her too made your guts twist.

»Maybe yes, maybe no, you can’t make your life the way you once did, we can only be grateful for what we have now and focus on the present.«

»Then why are you telling me about the future?«, you asked, confused. Her sweet smile opened to you, framed by the dreadlocks that fell on her shoulders. Her dark skin glittered, kissed by the late summer sun.

»It doesn’t matter what you have to do about it: loss, pain, loneliness, you can do it anyway, you’re a survivor, Y/N.«

Your cheeks were already covered with tears. Nobody ever said that to you. »Why me?«, you asked in a whisper. Michonne shook your hand and leaned against your shoulder. »Because you have hope.«}

You didn’t know how long ago it had been. You didn’t know it… Days, months, years… You were still locked in that damn shed with a cloth as your only defense. Defense that was torn away from you when someone entered this place. The only difference from the beginning was that they tied your wrists to the wall. The chains were made of steel, very thick. Your wrists were now covered with wounds, a bit like the rest of your body. The only person who didn’t try to rape you was the woman who brought you food. When you saw her for the first time again after trying to escape, you asked her how the other woman was.

“She’s dead.”, she replied.

“Did you kill her?”

“No, it was you.”

“I tried to save myself.”, you reasoned.

“And now look at the result, you made the situation even worse, if you had done what I told you at the time, you wouldn’t be here.”

From that moment on, you both stopped talking. You didn’t speak anymore. You didn’t even had hope anymore. Your body and mind were weak, too weak to react, but too strong to die. The only thing you could do was to cry. You almost didn’t notice it anymore. It had become a spontaneous action, driven by depression that constantly strangled you. Your face had no expression anymore: You were empty, annihilated. You were no longer afraid that anyone who sees you might think you are a weak person. You just didn’t care anymore. Sometimes, however, you thought of Daryl and a part of you who was still alive just waiting to be released. You would like to see his facial expression again, which was so similar to yours now. You could see Daryl himself in a dream…

“Tell me, what the hell yer doin’?” He was sitting next to you, near the chains. He smoked a cigarette with a look of total bliss, as if he enjoyed it to the very last draw.

“Don’t look at me, please.” You hid your face and turned to the other side. You were ashamed of this naked and destroyed body that you couldn’t cover. You were ashamed because your dignity had turned to ashes.

“I’ll look at ya’ anyway!”, said the ethereal man sitting next to you. “Ya’ know, if I was really here, I’d kick ya’ in the ass!”

You couldn’t be indifferent to him. He was able to shake you even when he wasn’t really here, forcing you to cry seriously for pain. “You’re unfair.”

“Bullshit.”, he commented. The tip of the cigarette blushed red as Daryl inhaled the smoke deeply. “‘Nd yer in a situation that’s full of shit.”

“Why are you so mean?”, you asked.

“'Cause yer treated like a cheap bitch!”

You sobbed in despair. Everything hurt you, inside and out. And Daryl. Daryl hurt you. “How can I… I… Don’t you see that my wrists are tied up?”, you asked, shaking the chains weakly.

“Don’t care, yer just lookin’ for excuses.” The man took one last pull from the cigarette and then extinguished the glow on the wall a few inches from your wrist. He left a small black stripe and put the stub in a pocket of his leather vest. As he talked, he snorted the smoke out. “Do ya’ know how Merle lost’s hand?” You met his brother in prison at the time. He was a real asshole. “No, I have no idea.”

“Rick handcuffed him 'n the roof of a buildin’ 'n Atlanta 'nd left him there with only a hacksaw 'n him, ain’t sharp 'nough to destroy the cuffs.”

“Did he cut his hand?”, yoy asked more to yourself than to him. But you didn’t realize how that could help you. “And then?”, yoy asked in a whisper, tired of all the talk. Daryl pointed to the chain around your wrist and then looked at you with his sharp eyes. “Show me how strong 'nd brave ya’ ’re, Y/N.”

He approached your face to kiss your forehead, and you closed your eyes to enjoy the physical contact, which had nothing violent compared to those you’ve suffered recently. The kiss didn’t reach you and when you opened your eyes again, you were alone again. You turned your face to your chained wrists. Over the chains, you noticed a black stripe, right where Daryl put out the cigarette…

The woman entered the shed to feed you again and you pretended to die… Maybe if you felt pity, she would rather speak.

“I don’t think I can last any longer…”, you said flatly. She looked at you. “Do you want to throw up?”

“I’m going to die.”, yoy mumbled. “I don’t feel anything anymore, it makes me sick to eat.” And that wasn’t a lie.

“I’m sorry, it shouldn’t have come this far.”

“Can you do me one last favor?” The woman nodded in silence. “I’d like to know what happened to my weapons, I want to know if they’ve landed in good hands, my… daggers, and… the machete.”, you asked.

“Why are you so interested?”

“Because they were my traveling companions since it all began, they saved my life many times, and I can say that I’ve built an emotional bond with them.”, you said in a low voice. “It would be a comfort to know that they will continue to save lives.”

She seemed to think about your words and her eyes sparkled with tears. “Joe still has this machete in. The daggers, I don’t know where they are, maybe in the warehouse next to the tent, along with other weapons, I’m sure they’re in good hands.”

“Thank you, you were very nice.”

When you thanked her, she got up to leave and you were mentally ready to get out of here. Because now you have decided: Alive or dead, you’ll leave this place. Unfortunately, you were very weak. You were sure you couldn’t get very far if you didn’t regain your strength, so you decided to wait a few days before doing your crazy plan. You started moving your hands and fingers, numb from the uncomfortable position and the chains. When you were alone, you did a few exercises, lifting your legs and bending your knees. In a few days, you felt that your body responded to the movements. A blind rage woke up in you and you decided that it was time to leave. Once again alone, after your last meal and with the darkness of the night as an ally, you chose which wrist you would break. You’re right/left-handed, so you decided to sacrifice your right/left hand. It would be painful, but not so much as staying here. You took a deep breath and began to break your own wrist, which mingled with the blood of the wounds. But the base of the thumb blocked the passage of the rest from the hand. You took a firm jerk to break the carpal bones on the side of your thumb and the pain crossed your bones all the way to your brain. You bit your tongue to keep from screaming, and you realized disappointedly that your hand was still not free. You started crying and gritted your teeth: With another jerk, you finally got your hand through. Your hand shook with pain and your wrist burned as if you had roasted it on a fire. Instinctively, you moved the link and were sure you had actually broken the hand. You took a deep breath as adrenaline pumped into you. You swallowed and tried to endure the pain, suppressing the tears and concentrating on your goal. Almost without wishing, you chose the right moment to move: Just as you rearranged your hand as if it were still attached to the chains, a man entered the shed.

“It’s time for a bit of fun, sweetie.”

“Do you guard the area?”, you asked in a trembling voice because of the pain. He will not mind your unusual curiosity because his heart was too concentrated to pump blood into another region of his body.

“Yes, but I’ll be fast, don’t worry.”

Quickly loosening his pants and bending over you he penetrated into you and began to move hectic, as he could barely suppress the excitement. When he penetrated you disgustingly, you looked at his body with your eyes and luckily found a knife on his right side. When you felt that he had reached his climax, you didn’t hesitate: Grabbing the knife and ramming it in the back of his neck after pulling it out with painful exhaustion. The abundant blood that spilled out of the wound completely smeared you, while the asshole died while shaking. And he had the keys of the chains. You smiled nervously, glad not to have to break your other hand and freed yourself. You used the time left to you and took the weapons he had with him.The knife and a pistol with twelve bullets. Then you ran outside and let yourself be enveloped by the night. Your legs barely held your weight. You didn’t think you could escape from here on foot, so you had to find and drive a car, but not before you got back to what you were capable of. The camp was deserted, probably because most people slept and to warn no one, you killed some men with the knife. “They are not people, Y/N. Not anymore.” You repeated it to give you courage, even though Rick told you that it doesn’t refer to people who were still alive. But isn’t it the same? Didn’t you lose your humanity when you spend your time raping women and killing people? As you hid behind a caravan, you were surprised by the steps: You pushed your way into the shadows as a young woman passed beside you. You grabbed her by the arm and closed her mouth. “Where is he?”, you whispered threateningly, the knife in your hand. She shows with her eyes in one direction. “Thanks.”, you said, slapping her with the gun on the head, causing her to lose consciousness. Before you went to Joe, you searched for the armory. You entered the shed next to the tent by lighting with an oil lamp and searched for your weapons. After you found them, you also took a rifle and dragged you out. At the door you met one of the claimers. As soon as he saw you, he was startled in surprise, but when he tried to pull the weapon, you threw one of your daggers, which struck him right through the eyes. You were surprised to see how your reflexes didn’t deteriorate. You thanked my survival instinct, which had become more sophisticated over time. As you hurried to Joe’s tent, someone shouted that the camp was being attacked by Walkers. “Shit.”, you hispered. However, you took advantage of the general chaos and entered the tent, surprised him in bed with a woman who screamed as soon as she saw you. You loaded the gun and pointed it at her, though you knew the real threat was only Joe.

“Y/N!”, he called in surprise. “Aren’t you dead yet?”

“It seems like the situation has reversed. My machete, forward.”, you incite him.

“But why do you want to go?”

“My weapon, now.”, you said firmly. “Or I will shoot her.”

A nervous laugh escaped him. “You will not do it.”

Without thinking too much, you pulled the trigger and Joe was covered in her blood. He remained paralyzed for a second, shocked by what you just did. Then you aimed the weapon at him.

“In the meantime, you’ll kill me too, what will I get if I tell you where I keep it?”

You shot the man’s leg and let him scream in pain. “You don’t get anything.”

“Please don’t do it!”

“Pray again.”, you answered hissing to the body in front of you. Outside, in the meantime, more men shot at the Walkers, another screamed, perhaps bitten by those who had attacked the camp. No one seemed to care about Joe. You found the machete under the bed, silent and deadly. When you left the tent, you saw the pure chaos. The Walkers ate the claimers. You wanted to find some supplies for the trip, but given the situation, it would be a risk that you didn’t want to have. You saw some cars parked near the trailer and prayed that at least one of them had the keys and could get you away from the place. When you were almost at the cars, a woman stood in front of you, the woman you had knocked down, or rather what was left of her. Her eyes sad, but now iridescent. Her neck was drawn with a fresh bite and her hands reached out to meet you.

“I’m so sorry.”, you whispered, shooting her straight in the face.

{»I had never killed anyone before.« At the time it was something liberating, as if your mind wanted nothing more than to put an end to your abductors. Maybe it was just that, because the moment you pulled the trigger, you felt free. Free to decide about the life of another. Of course it wasn’t just that. The thirst for revenge and the fear of death led to extraordinary actions. The survival instinct made you make decisions that are completely alien to those of everyday life. Who would have thought while studying at college to build a future that would ultimately kill a man? In the hours immediately after your crime, you were blamed. And you cried. You cried for Travis and Madison, but also for you… Where would your humanity end after this moment? Would you fall into a spiral that you couldn’t have walked away from? Would you have become like such, unable to stop yourself once you tasted the taste of blood? You were afraid. A terrible fear of not recognizing yourself in the mirror anymore. And you wondered if, in everything that had happened, every person on earth was forced to do terrible things, just like you. You promised to never touch a weapon again, except to protect yourself from the living dead. And while you were wondering if there was anyone left capable of a trace of mercy and walking around on the interstate that led to Atlanta, a man’s voice surprised you from behind.

»How many Walkers have you killed?«}


	9. Chapter 9

The car you climbed into had enough fuel to take you away from this lousy place. You drove without knowing where to go, also because now it was the last thing that mattered: What you had to do now was to bring as many miles between you and this camp as possible, to find a safe place to rest and looking for something new and supplies to get stronger again. Now that the adrenaline is fading, the pain in your wrist came back, stinging and terrible, along with the swelling that was slowly increasing. You had to find a way to treat it as soon as possible. You spotted a side street and hid the car between the trees and shut off the engine. You didn’t think the men were looking for you, even though you doubted that many were alive, but you decided to stay quiet for a while, alert with your senses, ready to face any danger. A scratch at the window woke you up. A Walker smeared and clung to the glass, growling hungrily. The remnants of broken nails on the smooth and transparent surface indicated that he was trying to reach you for a longer time. You looked around in confusion, because the daylight falling through the trees warned you that you had slept for a long time. You suddenly had to collapse without realizing it, with the weapon in your lap. Sighing and half sleepy, you started the car, ready to start your own life again. You drove a few miles to a small town. You’ve seen so many in those years that they all look the same. Small, messy, empty. You got out of the car and concentrated on a place where you could regain your strength and you found a umpteenth abandoned market near a pharmacy. Although it was more important to treat your wounds, you decided to quench the atavistic hunger that bended you. When you entered the entrance to the first building, you slipped inside, ready to raid the departments from top to bottom. After weeks of dull gray and dumb food, this stuff looked like gold. You quickly went to pharmacy and looked for a disinfectant and bandage to heal your wounds. With relief, you found a roll and a bottle of expired disinfectant: It didn’t matter, it’s better than nothing. You poured it over the ulcers that came into contact with the fluid and it produced a disgusting white foam. The damaged skin burned, flooded with excessive amounts of fluid on the wound. You shook your wrists and walked out of the shop, ready to continue your journey where you didn’t know when you’ll end it. About fifty yards from the car was a group of Walkers crossing the road. They saw you and started to crawl and hobble in your direction. You stiffened because it didn’t matter how many you’ve seen in your life and how many you’ll see: The living dead will impress you again and again. Excited, they increased their speed and came up to you. With big and fast steps you reached the car and turned the key and accelerated, but the car didn’t start. You made one last attempt to settle for walking on foot. “Fuck!”, you screamed out. Then you ran and started moving away from the car and the little herd getting closer and closer became more and more numerous. You ran on wobbly legs and tried to escape the undead, who came now from all sides. You kept running even though you were tired. “It shouldn’t have happened like that…”, you whispered between your teeth. The stinging smell of rotting flesh penetrated your nostrils as they slowly approached. A shriek of tires overwhelmed the guttural voice of the Walkers as a car parked in front of you and blocked the passage. The driver opened the door and shouted that you should get in. You were petrified, undecided what to do but Rick’s words warned you again in your mind.

‘Fight the dead. Keep the living alive.’

The man in the car renewed the invitation. “Hurry up!” Instinctively you loaded the gun and turned around and shot a Walker, who was only a meter away from you, wanted to grab you by the shoulder. His head exploded with a notch in his brain. You decided to get into the car, closed the door and aimed the weapon at your savior. He saw the gun, stiffened and reassured you when he stuttered that he didn’t want to hurt you. His hands on the steering wheel trembled with tension.

“Did you come to take me with you to bring me back?”, you asked inquisitorially.

“What? Where? Back to what?”, he asked, looking startled and confused and you did not think he was one of the men from the camp. “Sorry, but can you please lower the gun?”, he asked softly, but with a high voice that betrayed his fear. You did so and in a jiffy you drove away from the herd and the city.

“If you knew where I came from, you wouldn’t ask me for it.”, you replied, tightening your grip.

“Indeed, I do not know, but I assure you I have no bad intentions.”

“And why would you have helped a stranger and brought her to your car, who tells you that it isn’t me who is dangerous?”

“It was a rash decision, but I had no choice, I wanted to keep an eye on you for a few days, but the herd forced me to cut time.”, he replied confidently. His words made no sense. “What the hell are you talking about?” You were sure you’d found another dysfunctional survivor, but at least you had guns this time.

“Don’t get upset, I can explain everything to you! My name is Aaron.”, he swallowed nervously.

“So, Aaron, what’s going on?”

“We recruit people, we save people.”

You laughed. “I don’t think you have the body of a fighter.” The man next to you was thin, with dark hair. You raised an eyebrow. “And you don’t even have a weapon.”

“If you want a proof then open the glove box. Please.”

“If you make a wrong move, I’ll shoot your brain away!”, you threatened. Hesitantly, you opened the drawer door while watching the man with one eye. Inside, you saw photos. “What’s that?”, you asked suspiciously. Aaron cleared his throat nervously. “These are the photos of the place I live in. It’s a community not far from here, it’s called Alexandria, my job is to look for people who can survive and live there and to find shelter.”

The explanation this man tried to give you seemed rather disturbing. “In what sense are you looking for people?”

“When we find a group or a single person, we watch them for a few days, whether they are good people or not, we offer them the opportunity to live in Alexandria, because the more we are the better…”

“And you tried to do the same with me?”

“Yeah, but I already told you, I didn’t have time to study you better, I took a big risk in telling you these things.”

“Why are you doing this?”

Aaron takes a few seconds to answer. He shrugged and said something that reminded you of Glenn. “Because I still trust people, because I still see the good in people.”

You sighed and decided to lower the gun and shook your head. “How I envy you…”

The man slowed down to stop the car and approached the side of the road. He turned and looked at you as he held his hands to the steering wheel. “Are you interested?”

“You have no idea who I am… Tell me: Who tells you it’s not dangerous?”

“Judging from the weapons and the blood that covers you, I’d say you’re very dangerous, but if you were the way you intended, you probably would have killed me already.”

You kept quiet and tried to assess the situation, even though one single question came to your mind: What the hell are you doing, Y/N? You escaped death and now you want to throw yourself into the arms of a stranger? Aaron woke you up from your thoughts. “What did you do with your hand?”, he asked, pointing to her, visibly swollen. Instinctively, you covered your wounds. “I broke my wrist.”

“May I ask you how?”

“Okay… I’m also going to run the risk of telling you something: I was held prisoner in a camp, I don’t know how long, I didn’t count the days, I don’t even know what day it is today. They mistreated me and at some point, I decided I had enough, I purposely broke my hand and wanted to kill everyone.”

Your eyes were bright. Your words probably made no sense, but the desire to tell everything was so great that you could go beyond reason. However, you bemoaned your crimes and burned your chance to seek asylum in this imaginary place. You shook your head sadly. “I’m not the kind of person you think I am…”

Aaron looked at you seriously and blinked. Then he nodded. “Well, I’m convinced of that, but the decision isn’t mine.” The man resumed his journey by rearranging himself on the street. “Anyway…”, he continued, “… you have to be examined by a doctor, your wounds could get infected and get worse.”

“A doctor, and where do you think we’ll find one?”, you asked disillusioned. Aaron looked at you, surprised by your question. “In Alexandria, where else?”

“Do you really have a doctor?”, you asked in shock. Aaron smiles sheepishly. “Actually, we have two doctors.”

“Okay…”, you answered. The man changed the subject. “You said you did not know which day is today, it’s the 23rd of December.”

You turned to him and didn’t believe what he said. “Are you kidding?”

Aaron smiled. “Not at all, why should I?”

You shook your head. Two months. You lost two damn months of your life at this camp. “It doesn’t matter…”

Alexandria looked like a happy and carefree city where no apocalypse had arrived. Even from outside the barriers that protect them, you could literally smell the happiness emanating from the walls of the houses. As soon as you reached the entrance, Aaron identified and warned to open the gate.

WELCOME TO THE ALEXANDRIA SAFE ZONE

MERCY FOR THE LOST

VENGEANCE FOR THE PLUNDERERS

The sliding gate opened and Aaron drove inside. As you got out, a sense of inadequacy and mistrust of everything overwhelmed you and almost suffocated you. Instinctively, your hand leads to the holster.

“You told me you were only gone a few days!” A male voice surprised you and shocked you at the same time. The man who uttered those words suddenly came out and now, as he approaches Aaron, he hugs him almost violently. Your savior turned to him and smiled. “I know, but I met this girl and it took me longer than I thought, I’m sorry.”

The two hugged and exchanged a loving kiss, so you felt an unmotivated jealousy. Why don’t you have anyone who is like these two? Why doesn’t anyone get angry because you risked your life? Why are you alone? Yeah right. Because they are all dead…

After saying goodbye, Aaron told you that the man’s name is Eric, his partner, and usually both work together.

“I went out on my own for a simple reconnaissance round, I shouldn’t be looking for anyone.”, Aaron explains as Eric puts his arm around him. You looked around without knowing what to say. The noise of the closed gate behind you tormented you and made you feel like a hermit in a completely foreign place.

“Hey, I’m sorry.” The guy who just closed the gate approached you with an attitude that seemed a bit too safe. “Before you move on, you should give us your weapons.”

Instinctively, you took a step back. “Not even in a dream!”, you answered seriously.

“Look, I didn’t ask you, do you understand?”

You frowned at him, ready to react if he made one wrong move when Aaron intervened in your defense. “Don’t worry, Spencer, I’ll take care of it, come on Y/N, I’ll take you to Deanna.”

Spencer, annoyed, gave you a grim look, which you exchanged before going with Aaron through the streets of Alexandria. The man politely asked you to leave the weapons with him before you entered Deanna’s house. “The rule only applies to firearms.”

“Sorry, Spencer is not used to dealing with strangers, you’re the first, after a long time.”

You nodded. “Okay…”

The man smiled. You stopped in front of one of the beautiful houses that made up the city.

“But who is this Deanna?”, you asked.

“It’s the person who decides if you stay in this place.”, he said, smiling. “I will bring you to her.”

You climbed the steps and Aaron knocked on the door. A woman, small and with a determined expression, stood in front of you. She smiled at you, though her eyes stayed serious. “Hello, my name is Deanna Monroe and I’m in charge of Alexandria.”, she said and stretched out a hand but you stopped for a moment, staring at her. When Aaron said goodbye, Deanna invited you to come in to her room to get to know you better. She led you into the living room where you were to sit in a leather chair. Around you, you saw a room that you hadn’t seen in a long time: A normal house. No shelter, no passage for plunderers. The walls were full of books, the windows are covered with clear curtains that illuminate the surroundings. Everything is clean and at the same time so different from the world outside the gate.

“You can sit down if you want. Sorry, but I don’t remember your name.”

“Because I didn’t said him.” You leaned your machete against the armrest and sat down. “My name is Y/N.”

“Do you mind if we film our conversation, Y/N?”, she asked politely. “Transparency is important here.”

“No problem…”

“Then we can start.” The woman was sitting on the sofa in front of you, near the camera, which was silent and staring at you. The only sign of life of the camera was the little red flashing light that indicates that it will record everything you will say. Deanna crossed her hands in her lap. Then the woman started talking. “I was a member of the council Ohio, seventeenth district.” Then she looked at you and raised her eyebrows. “And you?”

“Is that really important now?”

She shrugged almost imperceptibly. “I would like to get to know you better.”

“I studied at Princeton.”

“Princeton?” That seemed to surprise her a little. “And how did it happen that you ended up here?”

You swallowed your bitter saliva. “When the apocalypse started, I had just landed by plane, I went to my parents who lived in Atlanta, the military blocked us at the airport for a couple of days, and then, when they started throwing napalm at the city, we understood that it was serious…”

“They didn’t make it?”

You shook your head and stared outside the window in front of you. “No. But I have avenged them.”

“From what you tell me, I suppose you were out there from the beginning, is that correct?”

You nodded silently.

“You’ve traveled far from Atlanta to here.”, she said but you didn’t understand her words. “What do you mean?”

The woman leaned in your direction. “Do you know where you are, Y/N?”

Not really… When you fled the camp, you drove blind for several hours, and even the trip with Aaron was not short. You shook your head.

“You landed in Virginia.”

You raised your eyebrows. “What?”

The woman smiled but did not answer. You stayed silent for a moment, still upset by what you’ve traveled. Then you started talking again. “When my parents died, I was later rescued by another group, and they were out there from the start too.” You thought back to the prison and stifled the pain. “My family…”, you whispered.

“Didn’t they survive?”

You fixed Deanna, her outline firmly anchored behind your tears in your eyes. You took a deep breath. You don’t want to say out loud that you thought they were dead because you were afraid it might be true so you said instead: “What is this place?”, looking around you. The woman understood your situation and left the topic. “It’s the prototype of an ecologically sustainable system, a self-sufficient community with solar panels, and even an ecological wastewater filter system. My family and I were sent here by a patrol of soldiers we met while trying to get back to Ohio, they told us that they would get back us, but they never did.”

“So, were you here from the beginning?”, you asked, raising your eyebrows in disbelief.

“Yes. We have made this place a safe place. My husband, a professor of architecture, designed the fence project. The first plates were set up by him and our children. After a while, other people came and helped us grow Alexandria. But time has passed and we have been isolated for a long time. You’re one of the first to find us again.”

You leaned forward in the chair. “Because?”

“Because you’re a fighter, a survivor, I don’t think the wounds on your body happened during an unfortunate walk, and the same goes for the hand you have to treat by the way.”, she said pointing to the bandage. “I’m serious, Y/N, you could be valuable in this place, you could teach us how to become a fighter like you, and we could offer you a shelter and much more.”

“To be like me?”, you repeated. “With all due respect, Deanna, but you don’t know what you’re saying.” You got up and left as the voice of the woman interrupted you.

“I agree with you as you wish, but I want you to stay, use the time to regain your strength, then decide if you want to stay or if you want to go back out there.”

“Better close the gates, don’t let anyone in.”

“Why should I listen to you?”, she asked, narrowing her eyes.

“Because it’s all about survival now.” You walked slowly to the exit with the machete on your shoulder and turned to look at her as you finished your speech. “The people out there are killing you if they can get anything useful from you.”

“And that also applies to the person I have received in my house and who is facing me right now?”, she demanded.

You shook your head weakly and raised your shoulders. “I just wanted to find my family.”

Deanna got up and reached you at the entrance. She put her hand on your shoulder and fixed her determined look on yours. “If you want, we will be your family.”

But you only smiled at her and thanked her with your eyes…


	10. Chapter 10

You were visited by the doctor in Alexandria for checking your health conditions. “You are very thin Y/N.”, he said. “I know, not many restaurants are open these days, sorry Doc.”, you commented with a smile. He smiled too, probably because of the sarcasm in your voice. “Here you’ll have the chance to get back on your feet, don’t worry.”

“Thanks.”, you replied laconically.

“Sorry if I ask you, but what happened to your wrists?”

“Everyone here is curious, right?”

“Sorry about my indiscretion, but it could help me understand your medical situation better.” You snorted and answered brusquely, tired of all the snooping. “I was chained and raped.” “Geez… I’m sorry, I had no idea…”

“Certainly not! You can’t have a clue about life out there!”, you shouted into his face. Then you realized how rude you had been for no reason and how much you should be grateful to be here. “Sorry, I didn’t want that…”

“Don’t worry, it’s all right.” He paused for a long time, obviously embarrassed by your behavior: “It would be better if you also had a gynecological treatment to see if everything is alright.”

“I don’t think any of those bastards made me pregnant.”

“Still, I would do it, I can ask Denise if she would do it.”

“Who is Denise?”, you asked. “The other community doctor, she can do the treatment if you want.” You did not nod because of your wishes about who should treat you, but because he stopped talking. “Would be okay tomorrow, now I just want to lie down.”

“Sure.”

“Thank you a lot.” When you left the infirmary, your stomach growled greedily. You pulled on your abdominal muscles to silence him, and just as you were wondering if he would calm down, Aaron surprised you and greeted you in a friendly voice. He had a basket with some food in it in his hand. While he offered it to you, he asked you if you should accompany him to the house that Deanna had chosen for you in the meantime, showed you Alexandria and continued to introduce you to the people you both met in the street. “I thought you were hungry.”

“Where did you get the food from?”, you asked, thanking him. “We have a warehouse where we store food supplies, Olivia keeps an inventory of everything in it, so maybe you could say hello later.”

“Maybe tomorrow, I think I’ve met enough people for today.” Aaron smiled. “Take all the time you need, as you can see, Alexandria isn’t very tall.” In front of you was a house spread over three floors with a small garden. “And that’s all for me?”, you asked. “Please… Come on! We aren’t many here, so we can afford to expand and now I’ll let you explore the house, remember, if you need anything, Eric and I are some blocks away, if you want, you’re welcome to have dinner with us.” You smiled at him. “Thanks, Aaron, as soon as I’m done.” “Of course, I didn’t want to urge you.”, he hurried to say. “It’s fine, I understand you.”

You said goodbye and you, alone again, took a deep breath and entered your new home. After months spent outdoors and in danger, the intrusion causes a sense of oppression and insecurity. Silence and calm invaded every corner of the house and made you restless. You knew it didn’t make sense, but the first thing that comes to your mind is to search every room for danger. As soon as you extracted it, you immediately felt better. Since you had nothing to fear in the living room or in the kitchen, you went upstairs, where two rooms and a very large bathroom were waiting for you. You checked every corner, behind the doors, in the cupboards, under the beds. The loft on the top floor was the only room yet to be inspected: The door was locked and that’s never a good sign… With your hand on the handle, you mentally counted up to three, then tore it open. Nothing. It was empty and shamefully safe like the rest of the house. But before you calmed down, you walked back and forth, up and down the stairs, from one window to another, expecting to solve a problem, to throw yourself into danger. Suddenly you realized that you didn’t close the door; You wanted it, but there was no key. In fact, if the place is as safe as they say, there is no need. But you were paranoid, so you pushed the sofa to the door and you felt calmer immediately. You checked the rooms, barricaded the doors, closed the taps, closed the curtains. What else could you do? Then, reluctantly, you realized that all you had to do was one last thing. Relax… Leaning against the sink, the faucet grabbed your attention. You turned it, waiting for something you had not seen for a long time: A strong, continuous stream. You rinsed your face with fresh water, then swallowed several sips and tasted the fresh taste. Suddenly you had an idea and remembered that the bathroom you saw above also has a huge bathtub. Your hand removed the steam from the mirror. You repeated the gesture and finally saw it. Your now midlong, messy hair was wet and stuck to your forehead. You did not mind, but your face, slimmer and more sunken than you remembered, scared you. It had no mercy and showed all the events you’ve experienced: The Walkers, Travis and Madison, the prison, Daryl, the kidnapping… Looking back at these moments, a grimace appeared on your face. You thought of all the people you killed and the fact that you did not feel anything about it. Did you turn into a monster? At the moment, that didn’t interest you much. You were only relieved to be alive. In the first drawer you found a razor. Well, you really needed a new haircut. As you put the razor against your head, the strands fell into the sink, and the shape of your head was slowly outlined. When you finished, your hair was shorter. You put your hand over your head, and your hair tickled your palm. You smiled, feeling strangely comfortable. In one room you found clothes of your size. You couldn’t wait to drop the big, dirty stuff you had stolen from the camp. Finally, you threw them away and chose something more appropriate for my body: dark jeans, a dark top and a pair of boots. You went into the living room and looked curiously into the drawers. The table next to the entrance had something interesting in its only drawer: A notebook. You lost yours in the camp, and since you were locked up, you haven’t had a chance to write anything.

“Here’s my first real friend!”, you called as you flipped through the white pages of the small book bound in black leather. The search for a pen was spontaneous, moved by your unbridled desire to fill the void on the paper. When you found one, you started to write.

❝24. December

You will never believe it, but I am still alive. Despite everything I’ve been through, I’m here. With a broken hand, now shorter hair and human lives on the conscience. I live. In this absurd place, outside the real world, full of carefree, ignorant, weak people. If a herd were to invade this place, all the living flesh would be ready for slaughter. But anyway, I’m considering staying serious. Where else could I go? I ended up more distant than I thought, beyond Atlanta. I’m alone. I didn’t have much hope out there and lost the meaning of life… Again, I am alone. But at least I have a roof under which I sleep. I miss you. There is no day when I don’t think about you.

I love you.❞

You didn’t sign anymore because in the meantime no one will ever have read your words. It was dark outside by now. The winter was here. Not only in you, but also outside. The next and also your real first day in Alexandria would describe the lifestyle of a sloth. You slept, you ate, you washed. The only reason that got you out of the house was the total absence of food in the beliefs. You snorted because you were forced to do something you hadn’t done for a long time: To be sociable. You reached the warehouse Aaron told you about and avoided the eyes of those who met you in the street. You stood at the door and after a few moments opened a woman with black hair and glasses that covered most of her face. She looked at you quizzically, a little scared, perhaps because of your now aggressive look, supplemented by the leather jacket you wore before you went out. “Are you Olivia?”, you asked in a flat voice. Her eyes seemed to shine. “Oh, you’re Y/N, aren’t you?”, she said in a shrill voice. The warehouse was a series of rooms full of shelves cataloged for groceries. From the amount of food they have here, you assumed they were well looked after. While she showed you the stock, the woman did not stop talking for a moment. You barely listened to her, fascinated by the amount of food and drinks that surrounded me. “…and in this room is the armory.”, she announced. In front of you both a small corridor led to a room without a door. Inside, waiting for you, you found an arsenal. “Damn.”, you commented on the amount of weapons penned there. “There’s your weapon too, if you go out, you can come here and get all the weapons you want, and of course I have to be there to register it.”, she said. “Do you do the same with the food?”

“More or less, some foods are freely available, others are limited, so I can only distribute them in smaller quantities.”

“For example?”

“Chocolate.”, she replied, making you laugh a little and you raised your eyebrows because you didn’t believe your ears. So you turned to her and slowly repeated: “Chocolate?” And she nodded. “I didn’t even believe that it still exists today.”

“We have many things here, take what you need.”

You only took staple foods, a few canned tuna, beans, two packets of pasta, a few cookies and dried meat. You thanked Olivia and warned her that you would return soon to get your gun. It was time to look around the area around Alexandria. “Sure, come over whenever you want.” As you crossed the threshold and decided not to return to camp, a ringing voice surprised you. “Merry Christmas.” You turned around, confused. Only now you remember that today is the 25th of December. You would like to answer, that for quite some time you have stopped celebrating Christmas. You wanted to say that there is much more important than a stupid event, especially if you no longer have anyone to celebrate with. You wanted to say that you all should be grateful to be alive and not to waste time celebrating a ridiculous celebration. You wanted to say all these things. Instead, you smiled and replied: “For you too.”

You almost bang on one person while turning back. With a feline motion, you avoided the basket of food that fell on it. “Hey!”, warned the man you collided with. You almost lost your balance, but he grabbed your arms and prevented you from falling. “Are you alright?”, he asked, looking at you with a slight smile, as if he knew exactly that you were new here. “Yes, thank you.”, you hurried to say and freed yourself from his grip. “My name is Aiden. I am the son of Deanna.”

“Fine, hello.”, you said and went home again. The man didn’t give up. He joined you as you left. “Don’t you tell me your name?” You expanded the pace. “If you’re one of Deanna’s sons, you know my name.” Finally he let you go on alone. You heard him giggle and he tried one last time to get a few words out of his mouth to invite you. The only answer he got was your backside as you walked home, determined to close this friendly world behind your back.

❝25. December

I should spend it with you today. Aaron, who keeps asking me to dine with him and Eric at Deanna, who invites me to dinner with her family. Everyone smiles here and they want to talk. Instead, I start to miss life on the street. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad here. If you were just there you would know what I mean… It’s still time to go out again. Since I am here, the days are relentless, boring and repetitive. I had a gynecological examination that was recommended to me by the doctor. I have discovered that I have amenorrhea, that is, I have an interruption in the menstrual cycle. “It’s probably the life out there, stress, unfavorable conditions that have made your body refuse to reproduce and consequently stop ovulating.”, Denise told me. “With a healthy diet and a more peaceful life, everything should be fine.” I shrugged and said: “Better that way.” That’s why I decided to go out again. Not for long, just for a few hours. Just so as not to lose the habit of always attentive living.

Y/N…❞

Olivia confided in you an assault rifle and you hoped for a good day. When you almost reached the main gate, Deanna’s son approached you with a quick step. “Y/N, wait, I heard you wanted to go out…”

“Yes.”

“Can I come with you?”, he asked. You shook your head. “No.”

“But I-…”

“Leave me alone, please.”

Over time, you started trusting the people who lived in Alexandria. After months, you were still not the most sociable person in the community, but slowly you returned to behave like a bourgeois person. The first stages were really tiring, but now, after a few months, you’re a normal person again, if you can define it that way. Deanna had assigned you a task. It took you some time to figure out what to do.

“You will take care of the barrier every day. Check it and monitor the barrier and report any damage.”, she said. So you went out almost every day to check if Alexandria was safe. You also killed all the Walkers you saw, a bit to remove the rage that systematically accompanied you, and a bit, so as not to lose the habit of survival, even if it was not always necessary. When you were on the road, you also checked that the walls were always safe and solid, and when you thought they needed thicker protection, you asked Spencer, Deanna’s other son, to report it. She decided accordingly whether it should be repaired or not. One afternoon you accompanied one of the men responsible for repairing the walls to protect him while he was fixing the reinforcement; From that moment on, everyone who wanted to walk through the city asked me if you were willing to go with them. You became a kind of bodyguard for these people. Someone asked you how you could live out there, then somebody complimented you and commented on you with phrases like ‘I never would have done it.’, 'Living alone must be hard.’, 'You’re the strongest person I know.’, and such things. Every time they praised you that way and you wanted to talk to them about the amazing family that taught me to do it but you still couldn’t name any of them without crying. You often fell asleep thinking about them and wondering where they are. So many times you woke up after dreaming of them, deeply disappointed that it was not real to see them again. You’ve met a lot of good people here in Alexandria, but you’re convinced that none of them will ever take the place of Rick, Daryl, Michonne, Carol, and everyone else.

❝End of April

It’s been a long time since I last wrote to you, I know. The thing is, I try to avoid it. I have come to realize that if I spend less time thinking about you all, I am more willing to meet new people and be in the company of other people. I wouldn’t say it, but I think it’s time to let you go… To look ahead and keep holding you in my heart. I think I stop writing letters as if you were still alive: I don’t have to write on a piece of paper if my memory is still alive and you are in my thoughts.

I love you all so much…❞

One morning in late April, Eric and Aaron knocked on your door. They both carried a backpack and weapons, ready to leave the safe area of Alexandria. When you saw them, you frown. “Did I forget that we wanted to go out?”, you asked. Aaron answered you. “No, you didn’t forget anything, come with me.”

“Where to?”, you asked in surprise as you slipped into your boots. “Deanna has decided to recruit other survivors.”, Eric explained. “Other people?” The two nodded at the same time. “Yes, your arrival was one of the best things that happened in Alexandria, we want more people like you to join our community.” You wrinkled your nose annoyed. “You know how I think about it.”

“Yes, we know.”, Aaron answered. “But I’m convinced that in the end not everything is lost.” You sighed and realized it was useless to argue again. “I hope you’re right, I really hope so…”, you said, hugging both. “How long will you stay outside?”, you asked. “Not more than a month.”, Eric replied. “Even less, if the mission should go well.” The car they drove with was already full of supplies. They were ready to go. “Take care of yourself, please…”, you told them.

“We will.”, Eric reassured you. “If something goes wrong, one of us will come back to tell you.” Then he turned to the companion sitting next to him and laid a hand on his knee. You admired this couple: They knew exactly what risks they are taking and yet they don’t lose heart. They stubbornly searched for the good in each one of us.

They both looked at you one last time, then, when the gate was open, they started searching for one of the people still scattered all over the world fighting for survival…


	11. Chapter 11

When you went home, Aiden crossed the street. Needless to your attempts to avoid him, he stood in front of you and laid a hand on your arm. “Y/N.”

“What’s going on, Aiden?”, you asked reluctantly to stop you.

“Why do you always avoid me?” His question urged you. You shrugged, undecided what to answer. Suddenly he stopped touching you. “I’m not a good person to keep you company.”, you replied, minimizing your voice. You were a nobody… Aiden stopped to look at you, then he lowered his eyes for a second and started talking again. “Deanna wanted to invite you to dinner tomorrow night.”, he said sheepishly. Alexandria’s leader had tried to bring you back to her house for a while, and you always refused the offer. You found it embarrassing to sit at a table full of smiling people, even though you now realized that you could no longer keep yourself away. Four months have passed since you arrived in the community and you couldn’t use more excuses. You swallowed and had to accept his invitation. “Good.” Yoy did not really want to do that. You promised not to make any more friendships because you were left alone, and you do not want to break your oath. “Perfect!”, he said and smiled. “See you tomorrow.” The man smiled at you again and, after saying goodbye, went to his house. You knocked on the floor with your bare foot, looking into the mirror with your arms crossed, undecided what to wear. For the most upscale family in Alexandria it needed something ‘special’, so the choice fell on jeans and tank tops. Or rather, a very dark pants, which were characterized by your legs and a white undershirt, which fell gently over your hips. The evening was unusually hot, so you didn’t need a jacket to go to the Monroe’s. In a few minutes you found yourself in front of their house, when Aiden, very elegant but shy, received you with a beaming smile.

“You’re beautiful!”, he said after opening the door. You did not answer, annoyed by his comment. You entered the house and immediately went into the living room, followed by your host. The soft lights in the apartment and the music in the background made you feel uncomfortable. You turned to look for the rest of the family, but you saw no one except the young man who had come to open the door for you. You looked questioningly at him as he hurried to justify himself: “My brother and my parents have dinner with the neighbors, you would never have accepted if I told you that I wanted to be alone with you.” The anger over this kind of lie rose in you and made you return to the door to escape.

“No wait!” The man came up to you and grabbed your wrist to stop you. At that point, you could not resist, and in response you slapped him on the cheek, which was so strong that it threw his head sideways. “How dare you bitch!”, he hissed. He let go, touched his flushed face and gave you a mixed look of fear and forgiveness. “Shit… I’m sorry…”, he whispered. You leaned over to him. “Do you know what happened to me before I arrived here, and what I did? What I have done to myself?”

He shook his head, startled by your angry look. He takes a step back, still with his hand on his cheek.

“I killed people, a lot…”

Aiden stared at you without speaking. His eyes were puzzled and begging for mercy for the mistake he had just made. You sighed and shook your head. You hate that moment: You would like to escape, to be alone, but what kind of person would you be if you left him here without even giving him the chance to apologize? Did he really deserve it? You looked at him indecisively, less and less ready to go. The people here must be treated with a minimum of respect… “Did you cook everything by yourself?”, you asked resignedly. He nodded with a faint smile and added nothing else. Then you became impatient. “Do you want to stand like that all evening or at least offer me a glass of wine?”, you asked arrogantly. He awoke from his numbness and almost ran into the kitchen to fulfill your request and laughed at all the excuses that came to his mind. All in all, the evening passed quickly. You talked about this and that, talking about your lives before the epidemic unfolded and your plans for the future to and from Alexandria, carefully avoiding the words 'walker’, 'apocalypse’, 'dead’, 'killed’. As if all this never happened. However, it was inevitable, at least for you to think about it. You were sure that for Aiden on the other hand, it wasn’t so much of an effort because he lived in the middle of the world, protected by a tin fence.

“Have you always been alone before you came here?”, he asked naively.

“It’s not a topic that I volunteer to face.”, you hurried to answer. You got up from the table and walked to the window, watching the darkness drift over Alexandria. The man became serious but did not give up. “Did you lose someone when you were out there?” Suddenly everything became easier. The various glasses of wine that you had devoured during dinner helped you looser and less aggressive, giving you the opportunity to speak without fear, without the sadness taking control of you. “More than one person.”, you answered without realizing it. “Do you want to talk about it?” You shook your head resignedly. “There’s not much to say, first my friend, the most important person I’ve ever stayed with, then the group that immediately welcomed me after I lost them, then Daryl…” Thinking about him reminded you strange feeling. Melancholy? Regret? A shiver ran down your back and suddenly you felt cold.

“Who is Daryl?”, Aiden asked and you did not know how to answer. “Daryl was my last ally.” Then the wine spoke for you. “I miss him so damn much…” Aiden got up and approached you. “I’m so sorry for your loss. Were you two together?”, he asked. Your eyes flickered without really knowing why. Maybe because of the wine? “No, I think we were just friends.”

Aiden frowned in confusion. “You think?”

You shrugged your shoulders. “I don’t know what we were, we didn’t spend enough time defining our relationship, so yes, I think we were friends.”

“Did you feel something for him?”

“Absolutely not! Daryl was…” You strayed into the void, trying to remember his face with his always grim facial expressions and piercing gaze. “He… He was a fighter, impulsively natural, but sincere, direct, incredibly loyal to his people, he would have thrown himself into the fire to save us all.”

“Wow…”, Aiden whispered. “And you say you don’t feel anything for him? Seriously?”

“You can’t understand that…”, you replied with a half smile.

“Yeah, probably. Do you think he wouldn’t mind if I tried to comfort you a little?”, he asked, approaching and grabbing your arm. Part of you wondered what the hell was going on in his head, but you were too weak to counteract the alcohol in the vein that instead made your body devote to this affection. You leaned your heavy feeling head on his shoulder and felt senselessly protected. With two fingers, your chin lifted and as your lips were a few inches apart, you thought of Daryl and returned to yourself. You moved violently and immediately refused this contact. “I have to go, it’s late.”, you mumbled.

“Wait, come on… I didn’t mean to scare you.”

You shook your head. “I’m not ready for it, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’ll wait, but don’t go.”

“Why do you insist?”, you asked as you reached the door. “I’ll never be ready for that, I’m not ready to lose anyone anymore.” His eyes were confused. “I’m not pushing you.”

“Anyone who becomes my friend, or belongs to my family, dies sooner or later! Travis, Madison, Chris, Nick, Alicia, Rick, Michonne and all the other people I loved so much! And Daryl…”, you added softly. Now you couldn’t stop dropping the many tears on your face. “What I have now is enough for me.” You wiped your eyes with one hand. “Thanks for dinner, it was great, but now it’s better to go back to my house.”, you said and greeted him with a wave of your hand and without waiting for an answer, you went out into the darkness of Alexandria and let yourself be enveloped by the night.

Your faith was gone again. After completing the usual morning circuit around the walls of Alexandria, you returned home to remove the blood from a few Walkers you had shot on the east side, and then ran to the warehouse for groceries. Olivia beamed as usual, and you thanked her for giving you a quarter of a bar of chocolate. While you were on your way home, mentally checking your day’s obligations, you heard the unmistakable sound of the opened main gate. As a precaution, you decided to look what was going on and as you turned to the entrance, you remembered that Aaron and Eric had been traveling for over two weeks. Maybe it was them who returned from the recruiting round to open the gate, so you had one more reason to look. In the distance, in front of the open passage, you see a fairly large group of people entering; You remained calm about the fact that such a large group came to Alexandria, but accelerated your walk with the premonition that something would go wrong today. The glasses clinked in the basket and when you were close enough to see the faces of the newcomers, you did not see Aaron and Eric among them, but your heart felt like it would stop beating. The basket slipped from your hand and all the jars were broken on the ground, attracting the attention of the group members. How much did you miss this gesture… Overwhelmed by surprise and emotion, you started crying and ran towards them at the same time, your eyes flooded with tears that you could hardly see where you were going; Even so, you would always recognize the figure of Rick, and even he who finally recognized you ran at me in turn until you met him. He squeezed you tight and you let the tears run free. You screamed, not knowing what to say, while the others reached us. Michonne stroked your face and smiled as Carl, next to his father, held you both in his arms. Maggie and Glenn touched your arm, and then Carol came to kiss your forehead and whispered your name. Someone else repeated it, perhaps thinking that he would never hear you speak again in his life.

“Please tell me that I don’t dream anymore…”, you pleaded between your sobs. You didn’t want to close your eyes and think that they wouldn’t be here when you opened them again.

“It’s not a dream, Y/N.”, Michonne assured you with her warm and clear voice. Rick kissed your temples and tickled you with the beard that had grown beyond measure in recent months. “You don’t know how long we’ve been looking for you.”

“I also searched for you, I left traces and…”

The shrill gate that was closing interrupted you and caught your attention. You turned to the entrance and for the second time your heart stopped. You let go of the man’s embrace, only to run towards the person who has just crossed Alexandria’s main gate. He dropped the crossbow to the ground and ran for you.

“Daryl!”, you yelled. When you were in his arms, he grabbed you and picked you up, hugging you tightly and releasing a liberating scream. The next moment you both dropped to the floor and Daryl took your face in his hands and looked at you with a deeply moved expression. His fearless eyes, now completely without anger, have given way to feelings. He hid his tear-stained face in your throat as the sobs shook his chest. His hands clung to you, desperately seeking a contact that had never been so intense among you both. You returned the tight hug in the silence and smiled with your tear-streaked face. Today you found a part of yourself that you believed you lost forever… The others of your family have also reached you both and now you were involved in a big hug that you represented as the pulsing core.

“Do you know them?”, Aaron’s voice surprised you. He and Eric had been right behind them and you nodded.

“We heard you screaming, but we didn’t immediately understand what happened.” Aaron turned to his boyfriend, looking for words of support.

“I’ve never seen anything so exciting!”, Eric said. “Neither do I!” Aaron put a hand to his own heart. His eyes were shiny.

“Are these the people you told me about?”, he asked.

“Yes, it’s us.”, Rick answered for you. His voice made you tremble and you smiled involuntarily, fixing his blue eyes on yours. You exchanged the look and nodded and then you looked at the two men who brought your family back to you. “Thank you so damn much, guys!”

“Did you see?”, Eric asked, tilting his head forward. “What?”

“There is still hope.”

“Y/N…” Listening again to a familiar voice that whispered your name made your heart melt. It was Daryl carrying a child in his arms behind you. She had grown, and if she didn’t have the same eyes as Carl, you would not recognize her. Judith, who instinctively opened her arms for you. While the others left for the time being, Daryl told you that Tyreese had saved the child in the prison. In your research, you noticed that not even Maggie’s sister was among you all. “Where are Tyreese and Beth?”, you asked in a deep, serious voice. You were afraid of the answer, because if someone is silent for now, that’s never a good sign. Daryl darkened his eyes and looked down. He shook his head sadly and that made every word superfluous. Your voice trembled. “No…”

Daryl put a hand on your shoulder and walked away, perhaps to hide his sadness from everyone. You thought about how cruel it is to find and lose those you love on the same day. You didn’t know Tyreese and Beth very well, but you knew that they were fantastic people, just like everyone else. As they rambled through your thoughts, you were surprised by Michonne and Rick approaching you with their sweet yet reassuring smiles. They asked you how you are.

“I’m glad you’re here, but by now I’ve given up the idea of finding you again…”, you replied, leaving Judith to his father.

“Is that why you stopped writing your messages?”, the woman asked, looking sideways at you. You narrowed your eyes to two slits. “How do you mean?”

With a wry smile Michonne put a hand in her jeans pocket and pulled out a pile of crumpled pieces of paper and handed them to you. Your letters. You understood that they had found all, every piece of paper that you had left between Georgia and Virginia, collected and kept them. But how was that possible? “We were looking for you.”, Rick said. “Then, when we found Daryl, we followed the trail to the last clue you left on the car.” He rubbed his hand over his forehead. “When you stopped leaving the hints, we thought something had gone wrong.”

“Well, there is more or less what happened, I was captured the same day by another group, and I lost my notebook because of them.”

“Captured?”, Rick asked and raised his eyebrows repeatedly. “And you fled or did they release you?” You did not want to tell him anything that had happened to you, it wouldn’t improve things. “What’s the difference?” The sheriff shook his head slightly annoyed. “You know, it makes a difference… I just want you to tell me.”

“And I would rather not have to do it.” Rick stared at your eyes and said nothing. You supported his look. “You can’t force me to.”

“I don’t want to force you, but I would wish to hear the story.”

“I don’t have to talk about it, Rick.”, you interrupted. “They paid for what they did to me, you can be sure of that.”

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” You assured him: “I’m fine, after a long time, I’m finally fine, and now it’s important that we’re back together.”

“How long have you been here?”, Michonne asked. “Since December Aaron found me while trying to escape a group of Walkers, he saved my life.” Rick approached your face and lowered his voice. “What is this place?” Meanwhile, Carol and Glenn came up to you. You smiled lovingly as you answered the sheriff. “This is a community that welcomes the lost, it’s a safe zone.”

“Not like Terminus, I hope!”, commented Glenn. “Terminus?”, you asked, confused. Glenn looked at you and seemed to be searching for the right words to describe this place. “Terminus is your worst nightmare.” You recognized their shocked faces and tried to imagine how they lived in these last months, but to no avail. Apparently you were not the only one who had seen the living hell out there. When you wanted to ask for clarification, Rick interrupted you: “Later we’ll tell everything, okay? Well, tell me who’s the boss here.” You talked to him about Deanna and her role here. “She’ll explain everything to you, don’t worry.” As you spoke, a tall, muscular man approached us. He had a mustache and red hair, so intense that it looked dyed. He turned to Rick suspiciously and asked him what he thinks about this place.

“Y/N says it’s safe.” The former sheriff introduces you to the man who says he is named Abraham Ford. He did not stop for a moment to look around, glanced at you just to shake your hand, and then returned to his stoic supervision. You threw a questioning look at Rick, who immediately explained the situation to me: “Glenn found them when he escaped from the prison, and Abraham and his group joined us when their mission failed.”

You raised your eyebrows. “His group?”, you repeated. He told you about a few people, not very far away from us. “The guy with the Vokuhila’s name is Eugene and the girl by his side, Rosita, in the beginning they were on their way to Washington, but then they decided to stay with us, and Rosita and Abraham know how to defend themselves well.”

“What about Eugene?”, you asked. Rick looked at you with an enigmatic expression: “You will find out for yourself.” You looked at him and narrowed your eyes, a bit confused, but decided not to ask further. “Who are the other two?”, you asked, referring to the dark-skinned man and the dark-haired girl. “He’s Father Gabriel, a priest we met when we ran away from Terminus, the girl’s name is Tara, she was part of the governor’s group.”

“What!”, you blurted out.

“She didn’t even shoot that day, Glenn rescued her from the Walkers that invaded the prison.” At first you thought it was not right for her to be here. Even the thought of the day you escaped from prison makes you angry. Then you reflected and put aside the grudge, relying on Rick’s judgment. “Later I will go to greet her.”

“Good.” Rick stopped for a second and stared at you, then asked you: “What did you do with your hair?”

“They didn’t reflect me anymore.”

Deanna’s voice surprised you. The woman came in person to welcome the new group. “You must be Rick. Welcome in Alexandria.” The two leaders shook hands, though she recognized a slight indecision in the former sheriff’s posture. No matter how many times you tell him that this place is really safe; He will not really believe it until he sees it himself. Deanna invites him to her home, as well as the rest of the group. “I would like to speak to each one of you if you intend to stay.”

“We don’t know yet.”, Rick replied, looking at you. You tilted your head to the side and didn’t understand his words. When doubts overcame you, Carol approached and held you by the arm, smiling. On the other hand, Michonne took you by the hand and winked at you, and Carl, behind you, leaned his head against your back. All this happened under the puzzled eyes of Deanna and Rick approaching you.

“It doesn’t really matter how we decide.”, he told the leader of Alexandria. “Our family is together again.”

{»Where is she?«

»Don’t know, haven’ seen 'er since that day.«

»But is she alive?«

»Guys…«, a female voice interrupted. »Look, here.« Silence fell on them as the black ink reflected in their eyes. Hope flooded their hearts.

»Is that the same calligraphy?«

The man shook his head. »Doesn’ matter.« His hand pointed to the last line. »She’s it.«

»It doesn’t have to be very far.«

The group began to search further, animated by new hope. Unfortunately, they still didn’t notice that they were walking parallel to the train tracks…}


	12. Chapter 12

You never thought that you could go out in the evening without worrying about being attacked by something hidden in the dark. Since you were in Alexandria, you never went out at night, except to go to Aiden, and yet you still hadn’t realized the tranquility of this place. You inhaled the evening air as you left the house, toward the house Deanna had assigned to Rick. In the end, the former sheriff had considered the idea of staying, even though he definitely wanted to ask something about Alexandria and its inhabitants before making the final decision. Instead, you wanted them to tell you what they have been experiencing in the last few months, about the creepy place that is called Terminus, and why Abraham’s group decided to stay with you. You wanted to know everything about Beth and Tyreese, how they died and why.

“Hey.”

As you walked around thoughtfully, a deep and familiar voice surprised you. It warmed your heart to know that, despite everything, he was fine. “Hey, Daryl.” He sat on the porch steps of one of the empty houses.

“Are ya goin’ to Rick?”, he asked.

You shrugged with your shoulders. “At least I thought about it, there are many things I would like to talk about.”

He nodded, though he was not very interested in your words. “Okay.”

You stood together and looked at each other silently. The herd that separated you in the forest at that time didn’t give you time to build a real friendship, now you were here, unable to interact fluently. You looked at him, tilting your head, your hands in your pockets, and he was trying to avoid your eyes. He always seemed to be so far away with his thoughts. Almost as if nothing at all was important to him. But was that really the case? You bit your lip. “Have you already decided?”, you asked to break the deafening silence.

“They brought me here.” He pointed to the house behind him without looking away from his crossbow.

“And have you seen how it is inside?”

Finally he looked up and gave you a questioning look. “Kitchen, living room… ‘nd a bathroom?”, he answered questioningly. You shook your head and laughed. “You hardly went through the door, did you?”

“Can ya’ explain what it takes to know what’s in it? It’s just a fuckin’ house.”

“Aren’t you curious?”, you asked, still smiling.

“No.”

“Not at all? Come on, get up!”, you said, practically pulling him up the stairs and forcing him to get up. The man followed you, but decidedly reluctant. Once inside, you behaved like a tour guide. “On the left is the living room, with a sofa, two armchairs and a fireplace, on the right side, the kitchen, with the island!” Daryl did not seem to be as excited as you. He shrugged, slightly confused. “'Nd?”

“Here is a cupboard and up the stairs is so much more! Come on, come and see it!”, you invited him. Daryl followed you unconvinced and always careful. The crossbow was firmly anchored to his shoulder.

“You don’t need that.”, yoy said, pointing to the weapon. “I assure you.”, you added as you both walked up the stairs. “This place is really as it seems, there are no dangers in Alexandria.”

He looked at you for a few seconds, undecided what he should do. Then, following your advice, he put the crossbow on the sofa and decided to follow you upstairs again.

“On the top right are the rooms, did you see the beds? They’re huge!”, you said with particular emphasis. “By the way… Did they leave you alone?”

Daryl nods silently. You shrugged and pointed to the last room. The most important, the one in which you spent more hours than ever before since your arrival: the bathroom.

“Look at this room, Daryl, it’s so big you can even sleep in it!”

“’S just a bathroom, Y/N.”

“Indeed…”, you answered.

“Learned to live without it.”

“Yeah, I noticed it, but tonight you could enjoy it like you’ve never done in your life, don’t you want a hot bath?”

“No.”, he replied succinctly. You sighed. “I expected this answer.” But then you get the stroke of genius. You hit your forehead with your palm, too enthusiastic about your new idea. “I have an idea!”, you said with a big smile. “I will prepare it!” You interrupted him before he could argue and approached the tub. “You will thank me, you will see.”

“Forget it.”

“Too late.”, you said as you started to fill the tub with hot water. “I’ll just wash your hair.”

Daryl was obviously embarrassed by your behavior, he looked around and looks for a way out. “Why, that’s not necessary.”, he said, eyeing you with his eyes.

“Because, no offense, you need it.”, you answered, wrinkling your nose.

“No, I want to know why ya’ do it.”, he explained, rubbing the stubble on his chin. You thought for a moment and searched for the right words. “Ever since I’ve known you, you haven’t even rested for a second, always on alert, always ready for all eventualities, ready to protect us from any damn danger, now there’s no need, and it’s not a trap.”

Daryl stared at you for a time that seemed endless. Then he spoke. “Do I have a chance to retire?”, he asked resignedly. You opened yourself smiling, glad that he gave in. “Not really.”

He looked around with his face with a disheveled expression. The tub was now filled with the water. Then he turned to you. “Do ya’ have to stay 'nd watch me while I undress?”, he asked sarcastically. Your cheeks flamed safely to this sentence, and so you raised your hands in surrender and squinted to the door. “I don’t even think about it, call me when you’re done.”

After a few minutes, Daryl called you back in a flat, kinda sad voice. Until the last moment, you thought he was trying to escape from the window. You were almost surprised that he didn’t do it. The hot steam that saturated the room condensed on your face and neck, in contact with fresh skin. You closed the door behind you and turned to Daryl. “I don’t mean to torture you, you know, I just want to wash your hair.”

“Okay…” Daryl was completely submerged in the foaming water, except for the arms resting on the edge of the tub. You sat cross-legged in the square behind the headrest, on which the shampoos normally rest, and scratched your fingers to begin. Daryl’s hair was still dry, so you told him: “You should lean forward slightly so I can wet your head with the water.” Daryl obeyed. “You could dive first instead of snorting…” When you saw his back, you were paralyzed and the words stuck in your throat. His skin, covered with shimmering little drops, told you of a past, of abuse and violence: The tattoo of a winged demon occupying the right side of the back is surrounded by deep patches on the back, long and thin scars, which have darkened over the years draw the shape of his muscles all over his back. Anger and pain pierced you and understood his angry look and finally, why he has such mistrust of people.

“What the hell yer waitin’ for?”, he asked abruptly. His voice shook you and brought you back to reality. “I’m sorry, I was waiting for the water to reach the right temperature.”, you said. He knows what you saw, but he said nothing. Maybe because he preferred a quick lie instead of thousand questions.

“When did you last wash them?”, you asked.

“Don’t remember.”, he replied dryly.

“You’re a desperate case.”, you chuckled to ease the mood. “I’m sorry, but you have to make an effort to endure me.”

“I practiced 'n the two weeks we spen’ 'lone.”, he said seriously.

“I forgot how nice I was.”, you reply, pulling on his hair.

“Shit! Fuck you!”

“Didn’t you say that you practiced?”, you asked with a hint of malice in your voice. He did not answer and let you work in peace. Slowly his indomitable hair unraveled. “How are you feeling?”, you asked after a few minutes of silence. Daryl took a deep breath and then answered. “I never thought I’d look like a damn normal guy.”

You started to doubt the idea that you thought you needed to help him. “How grumpy you are! Just close your eyes.”, you said. “How can you relax, if you just stare at the ceiling?”

The man lowered his eyelids without answering. You continued your massage as gently as possible.

“Yer good.”, he said in a slightly hoarse voice. Your cheeks burned. You swallowed and condemned the temperature in the room, which had now risen almost to the level of a sauna. “Wow, a compliment from Daryl Dixon, who expected that?”, you said, trying to hide the embarrassment. You placed the soaped hands on his shoulders and invited him to bend over again to wash off the shampoo. Everything in religious silence, focused on Daryl’s regular breathing. He opened his eyes. The clear blue of the iris revealed a calm and relaxed expression that the voice denies undeniably. “Thought ya’ would never finish.”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t like it.”, you provoked with a smile as you got up from your position. His face flashed in visible embarrassment. You kept talking and pretended not to notice. “See you downstairs.”, you said, walking out of the room. When you reached the door, his voice surprised you again. He mumbled a “Thank ya’.”, almost imperceptibly. You smiled to yourself and pretended that you had not heard anything and silently left the room. He reached you after a few minutes in the living room and still had damp hair that partially covered his face and retraced his extremely wild character. He sat down on the couch next to you and you looked at him amused, while in an obvious discomfort he does not seem to know how to behave. “What’s goin’ on?”, he asked suspiciously.

“Nothing.”, you said, getting up. “I don’t want to bother you anymore, you’ve had enough of me tonight.”

He did not answer and looked elsewhere. “Stay.”

You turned to him, convinced that you did not understand him. “What?”

Now he looked at you confused and repeated in a low voice: “Stay.”

His request amazed you. You were so surprised that you did not know what you should do. Not convinced, you went back to him and sat down. Daryl took a deep breath, then he spoke. “When ya’ stopped leavin’ hints, I thought yer dead.”

“But I’m not, I’m alive.”

“What happened to ya’?”

“A series of unforeseen events prevented me from continuing to leave the messages…”

“Y/N…” His tone seemed reproachful, and you moved away from him, fleeing from his gaze. “I don’t want to talk about that.” Daryl got up and followed you into the kitchen, grabbing your arm and forcing you to to turn to him. “Rick told me 'bout the group. Did they hurt ya’?”

You didn’t want to tell him what had happened. Even bringing back those memories reminded you of an emotional torture. You were terribly ashamed to talk to him about what they did to you, almost as if it was all your own fault. You felt tears moisten your eyes and looked up.

“No…”, Daryl whispered. He shook his head and walked around in the living room. He took a deep breath and as he exhaled his anger, he kicked the couch hard, then knelt on the floor.

“Daryl?”

The man got up and, with blind anger, grabbed a kitchen stool and threw him into the hall, breaking a vase and chair.

“Daryl!”, you repeated, screaming. He did not seem to hear you, so you approached him, and when you took the risk you hugged him. You put your arms around his neck, almost more to calm his anger than to show your affection, and you hid your face in his neck. “I’m fine…”, you whispered.

“If I had been with ya’, nothin’ would’ve happened to ya’!”

“Or maybe it would have been a lot worse…”, you replied, inhaling the scent of shampoo. You both remained silent and focused on his accelerated breathing, which slowly returned to normal. Only when the anger had completely left him, he talked again: “Did ya’ mean it when ya’ wrote that sentence on one of the last messages?”

“What?”, you asked.

“Was I really yer best travel companion, despite all the bad things I’ve told ya’?”

“With all my strength, my will, my power and courage, I survived, because of you.”, you said, looking him in the eye.

“Ya’ did it all by yerself.”, he replied, breaking the hug completely and sitting down on the sofa. You showed him the tracks of the chains that looked months later as if they still encircled your wrists. “I was dreaming that you said I should run away and suggest how it’s done, not Rick, not Michonne, I was dreaming of you…”, you hesitated. “That I live is only your merit.”

At this point, Daryl did something completely unexpected. He got up, took your face in his hands and kissed you. Your face went up in flames, but the contact with his fresh and trembling hands lowered the temperature and calmed your heartbeat. Daryl slowly moved away and looked at you briefly, then immediately fixed his eyes on the floor. You smiled, understanding the tremendous effort he made to express a feeling different from anger and indifference, and you embraced him.

“Wait.”, he whispered, stopping your hands. He keeps staring at you, unsure what to do.

“Did you want me to stay, now I’m here, and I have no intention of leaving…”, you said harshly. Finally he gave a sign of life: He swallowed and took a step towards you. He doesn’t look you in the eye, he stared at your body, which was illuminated by the light of the lamp on the bedside table.

“Stay calm.”, he ordered.

“Okay…”, you answered with a nervous laugh. He stroked your skin with his fingertips with concentrated expression. From your cheekbones he followed the line of the neck, between the breasts, to the ribs and then to the hip; “Can I?”, he asked in a whisper without looking up.

“Sure…”, you whispered. He unbuttoned your pants, pulled them down gently, and took the shirt you laid on the bed and helped your gently to put it on. Then he let you do the same with him. You took off his shirt and looked at his muscular torso full of scars. You moved behind his back and kissed the scars, making him twitch every time your lips rested on his skin. Shortly after, you took him by the hand and invited him to lie down with you under the covers. You leaned against his muscular body and rested your head on his chest, shaking off the accelerated heartbeat. His fingers drew small circles on your skin, first at the base of the neck, then between the shoulder blades, and you completely relaxed; With his other hand he clung to your side, in between he tightened his grip and made sure that you wouldn’t run away. You clung to his body to show him you would never leave again.

“I missed you so much…”, you whispered.

He gave you a kiss on the forehead, just like in the dream that you had in the camp and pulled you even closer to him.

“Same. But that’ll never happen again. Promise…”


End file.
